An autistic woman who gives human names to just about every non-human item that she encounters cannot bring herself to use the actual names of her closest family members, sources have revealed.

Emma Bernard, 37, prefers to address her loved ones simply as “you over there” if she addresses them at all. “Honestly, I try to avoid it,” she confessed. “The act of referring to someone else or claiming their attention feels so invasive.”

“I always say good morning to Terry the Toaster and Polly the Kettle when I come downstairs to make breakfast,” Bernard added. “After all, it’s only polite. I make sure that I stick to gender-neutral pronouns, though, ever since Fran the Fan came out as trans.”

Bernard’s mother, Liz Bernard, 63, said, “Emma’s brother, Ryan, grew up thinking his name was That Boy, thanks to Emma. Poor Ryan was so confused when he started school.”

“She also told him that his shoes were called Dave and Daniel. Then it turned out that there were two boys in his primary school class who were actually named Dave and Daniel. When the teacher took the register, Ryan would answer on behalf of his shoes and it caused a terrible kerfuffle.”

When approached for further comment on this incident, Emma Bernard responded, “Who’s Ryan? Oh, yeah. Him.”

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