An autistic woman has been liberated from guilt, worry and an unending cycle of avoidable conflict by officially handing in her last fuck, it has been confirmed.
Brenda Hernández, 45, who until recently had spent her life oscillating between fawning responses and explosive outbursts, issued a statement today explaining that she is finally at peace and totally, blissfully fuckless.
Hernández explained: “I can pinpoint the exact moment I relinquished my last fuck. It was after my second cousin’s wedding. My horrible uncle asked if he could have a lift all the way back to Sussex from east London. As if possessed, I told him I’d go and pull the car around – then I got in and drove away into the proverbial sunset.”
“My phone kept ringing and ringing,” Hernández continued. “Usually that would send me into an anxiety spiral, but I just put my phone in the glove box and slammed my foot down on the accelerator like Thelma and Louise all rolled into one badass woman.”
“It never occurred to me that I can just ignore other people’s demands and do whatever the fuck I want,” Hernández added. “Did everyone else know about this??? On top of my full-time job, I’ve been a free nanny to my sister for the last 10 years. Her kid is taller than me now. What the fuck have I been doing?”
Hernández’s sister, Maria Walker, 44, commented: “Brenda’s been a real pain in the arse lately. Where the fuck am I meant to find another free full-time nanny?”
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