An autistic man’s physiological makeup makes him ideal for hand-to-hand combat but not for everyday tasks like telling the government about money he’s already spent, it has been reported.

Yuichi Suzuki, 39, experiences a surge of adrenaline whenever he sees the blue GOV.UK banner, which would be ideal if declaring his income and expenditure involved fighting the Chancellor of the Exchequer for supremacy, but has no outlet when Suzuki is sitting at his desk developing a tension headache over a year’s worth of receipts.

Suzuki said: “I’m not a violent man by any means, but I’m dying for a scrap when they ask me whether I’m a share fisher. Why do you need to ask me that question every year? How likely is it that in the space of a year my life will change so much that I become a fisherman?”

“Every year, I am forced to confront how broke I am, and then saddled with a bill to make me even more broke. I want to hurt someone, but I literally can’t afford the jail time.”

A spokeswoman for HMRC said: “You wanna fucking go, Yuichi?”

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