An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed.
Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort to manual reminders in order to stay engaged. His friend Alix Gardner, 25, has a number of opinions about the planned route changes for the number 277 bus, a bus that Azkhat does not know, has never taken, and – crucially – never plans to take. Gardner’s knowledge of the local bus routes is exhaustive.
“I love Alix,” Azkhat explained, “And I have listened to them through loads of special interests, just as they have for me, but honestly? It’s just white noise. I’ve finally had to set a recurring buzz every 3.14 seconds to cut through the boredom and keep me looking like I’m definitely paying attention. It also helps encourage me to smile, as it makes me think about maths and not about bus routes.”
“It’s so frustrating,” he continued. “I have trained for years to be good at conversations: I’ve got my cheat codes. Talking about their kids? Smile, nod in a decreasing four-bounce pattern, and slightly raise your eyebrows. If they show you pictures, tilt your head 40° and throw in a couple of ‘aww’s. Someone took their lunch from the work fridge? Scrunch up your nose and shake your head twice. But this? Nobody could train for this.”
After approaching Gardner for comment, and listening to them talk about the 277 bus routes, our reporter instantly fell into a beautiful, dreamless sleep.
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