An autistic man stuffed into a bear’s body as a human sacrifice is reportedly relieved at finally having found something comfortable to wear.
Christian Wheatley, 25, has already been subjected to several eye-opening experiences at the rural Swedish midsummer festival he is attending with his friends, although this latest ritual is reportedly his favourite, as it involves him being wrapped up all snug in what is essentially a giant furry onesie.
Speaking from inside the bear, Wheatley said: “I’ll be honest, this whole festival’s been a lot… cultier than I expected, and I’ve definitely come away with some brand-new traumas. So this feels like a bit of an apology from our hosts. Something warm to wear without any troublesome zips and labels, a roaring fire outside… This almost makes up for them poisoning me earlier.”
“I’ve got a log fire-scented candle from Muji that smells just like this. Mmm. What would you call this? Cottagecore? Scandi chic?”
The cultists could not be reached for comment as they were busy offering Wheatley to the gods.
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