An autistic person accused for the last decade of being a “harbinger of doom” has never been less thrilled about being correct, it has been revealed.
Eli Port, 30, who usually relishes the moment they get to say “I told you so”, has conceded that, on balance, they’d prefer it if the world wasn’t irretrievably fucked.
Port explained: “I predicted the rise of fascism, the acceleration of the climate crisis and, amazingly, Netflix releasing a documentary called Poop Cruise.”
“People stopped talking to me because they said I was ‘ruining board games night’,” Port continued. “But now I know they’ll all be dead soon. Which, in addition to making me feel smug, is actually quite upsetting.”
“Maybe now I’ve been vindicated they’ll want to hang out,” Port added, staring at their silent phone.
Port could not be reached for further comment, as they were busy updating their Bluesky feed with lengthy predictions about tech-bro billionaires interfering with geopolitical conflicts, while keeping the line free in case one of their friends decides to give them a buzz.
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