Autistic person ruins special interest by trying to monetise it
An autistic person has managed to suck all the joy out of their special interest by attempting to make money from it, reports have indicated. Jay Chester, 42, has always loved baking as fun, low-pressure hobby, made the inexplicable decision to turn it into a...
Autistic woman browsing Netflix only to rewatch lifetime of shame
An autistic woman searching Netflix for something new to watch will likely settle on her usual showreel of mortifying life moments that make her wish she’d never been born, it has been rumoured. Avery Mann, 40, reportedly briefly hovered over Apple Cider Vinegar, before the...
Heroes! Parents who love autistic child eagerly await medal
Self-described “autism parents” who “love their child with autism” have reportedly been left disappointed after discovering there’s no medal for loving your own offspring. Graeme and Karen Hoyland, both 38, have insisted that they wouldn’t change seven-year-old Finley Rice for the world – “even though...
Failure! Overprepared autistic woman forgets to pack the one thing someone wants to borrow
An autistic woman who usually leaves the house with every practical item anyone might ever need has apologised for her lack of foresight after failing to pack the one thing a stranger asked for. Beth Hapworth, 27, usually carries around enough supplies to survive an...
Pair of dyscalculiac friends can just about add up between the three of them
A couple of autistic friends who also have dyscalculia have managed to compensate for their spiky skill set between the three of them, an indeterminate number of reports have indicated. Emma Bernard, ?, and Sabeen Bhatt, ???, have been best friends since they were placed...
“Amateur hour” says autistic woman celebrating Pancake Year
An autistic woman has branded neurotypical Pancake Day celebrations “a pathetic effort,” in an exclusive interview. Megan Aldrich, 29, is so dedicated to Shrove Tuesday that she also celebrates Shrove Monday, Shrove Wednesday, Shrove Thursday, Shrove Friday and Shrove Saturday, year-round, without a break. “Technically...
Trust your gut? Autistic woman’s intuition feels pretty much the same as generalised anxiety disorder
An autistic woman told by her therapist to “trust your instincts” is reportedly struggling to discern her instincts from her debilitating anxiety disorder. Alma Montague, 34, could be holed up indoors with the curtains drawn because of her irrational terror of the outside world –...
Autism assessment questionnaire designed to personally attack you
An autism assessment quiz has reportedly been designed to obliterate your sense of self worth – yes, you, specifically. The questionnaire, which is supposedly meant to indicate whether or not you’re autistic, is actually out to roast every flaw you’ve ever been insecure about. Dr....
Fifth exclamation mark successfully compensates for social skills
A fifth exclamation mark has successfully masked an autistic man’s social awkwardness, it has been confirmed. Ryan Wilkins, 34, who struggles to compose work emails without sounding like a regency gentleman challenging a rival to a duel, recently decided that five exclamation points were the...
Autistic woman accused of bullying just trying to flirt
An autistic woman accused of picking on her crush was actually attempting to seduce him with witty banter, it has been rumoured. Niamh Callaghan, 26, has defended her behaviour towards Ben Espenson, 28, on the grounds that she was “doing a bit”. Callaghan explained: “All...
