Autistic woman “doesn’t know” why she always sounds “sarcastic”
An autistic woman reportedly has “no idea” why everything she says sounds like “sarcasm”, even when she’s being “sincere”. Emma Bernard, 29, told reporters that she has always had this “problem” but the harder she “tries” to inject genuine enthusiasm into her “voice”, the more...
World falls apart after autistic woman takes eye off timeline for one second
The world has gone to shit because one autistic woman momentarily stopped doomscrolling on Bluesky, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 38, issued a statement today, admitting to “having an early night” when November’s US election results came in and taking full responsibility for the...
Agoraphobic autistic woman rebrands as mysterious recluse
An autistic woman with a debilitating fear of leaving her house has managed by cultivating a reputation for herself as a notorious recluse, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, who only leaves home to go to the GP or take out the recycling, has...
Autistic woman playing hard to get holds off texting crush for agonising four minutes
An autistic woman attempting to appear cool and unattainable has reportedly restrained herself from texting her crush for an agonising four minutes (if you round up from three minutes 51 seconds). Miya Wilkes, 26, put a number of measures in place to ensure she didn’t...
New autistic acquaintances in dangerous game of oversharing chicken
A pair of newly introduced autistic acquaintances have entered a perilous standoff over who will be the first to reveal they’re actually a little freak, it has been rumoured. Ever since they met in an online autism group two weeks ago, Emma Bernard, 27, and...
Miracle! Autistic woman answers “how are you?” and barely mentions explosive poops
An autistic woman whose colleague politely enquired about her well-being has somehow responded without going into traumatic detail about last night’s poop attack, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 32, was greeted by in the usual manner receptionist by Jack Harrington, 26, when she arrived...
“I have autism” announces Cthulhu
A gigantic entity worshipped by cultists, Cthulhu, has announced that he is evil because he has autism. Cthulhu, described as “a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on...
Autistic woman’s facial expressions and tone of voice unable to work together due to creative differences
An autistic woman has issued a statement explaining that her facial expressions and tone of voice are unable to work together due to having entirely different visions for their performances. Ellie Mulligan, 33, has spent three decades trying to foster a positive collaboration between the...
“Gullible” autistic man believes people when they tell him stuff
An autistic man has been branded “gullible” by his peers for foolishly taking the things other people say at face value, it has been rumoured. Cameron Brereton, 25, has become known as an easy mark, as he naively believes people he likes and trusts are...
People pleaser pleases nobody
An autistic person who tries to please other people has somehow managed to achieve the exact opposite result, sources have confirmed. Jay Chester, 28, who strives to ensure that everyone is always happy with them at all times, reportedly failed to factor in that people...
