Gregg Wallace to clarify: “My autism is the sex pest”
Former Masterchef presenter, Gregg Wallace, is reportedly due to clarify that it is not him, but his autism, that is the sex pest, actually. Gregg Wallace – who probably first Googled “autism” some time last week despite having had an autistic son for the past...
“Why am I always so tired?” Asks autistic woman who exclusively eats pizza
An autistic woman who subsists entirely on a diet of dough, tomato and cheese has appealed for answers as to why she’s dead on her feet, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, is unfortunately too old to get away with eating like a student...
Neurotypicals and autistics to compromise with medium talk
Allistic and autistic people have agreed to meet in the middle by engaging in medium talk, it has been announced. In a deal brokered by expert peace negotiators, questions such as “how are you?” will now be answered with “fine, thanks” and no more than...
Autistic child challenges scientific efficacy of boo-boo kissing
An autistic girl has raised concerns about the validity of her parents “kissing her boo-boos” as a form of first-aid, it has been rumoured. Seven-year-old Mary Walker has scoured scientific journals but has yet to find any peer-reviewed evidence that kissing minor injuries makes them...
Argh! Autistic woman can’t tell anyone how well she’s keeping secret
An autistic woman is reportedly “losing her fucking mind” due to being unable to tell anyone how competently she’s keeping a secret, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 40, who found out the freakiest shit about a friend’s husband, Jack Harrington, 45, has been sworn...
Woman who spent life masking autism to avoid attention now accused of faking autism for attention
A late-discovered autistic woman who spent her whole life masking her autistic traits in order to avoid attracting attention has recently been accused of faking her autism diagnosis to obtain said attention. Avery Mann, 31, received her autism diagnosis after four years on an NHS...
Autistic hypnotist: “look around my eyes”
An autistic hypnotist has reasonably adjusted his job role by masking his lack of eye contact with clever trickery, it has been rumoured. Anand Trivedi, 49, manages to avoid making eye contact with his subjects by looking between, or around, their eyeballs. Trivedi explained: “They...
AuDHD man forgets where he buried Lego for winter
An auDHD man who recently buried his Lego for winter now can’t remember where he bloody put it, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 31, used spatial memory and landmarks such as trees to remember where he had stored his bricks – but immediately forgot...
Thank fuck! Autistic woman discovers dentist can’t actually arrest her
An autistic woman has expressed relief at discovering that her dentist does not have powers of arrest, despite the tone of his reminder messages. Freya Emerson, 42, described a sense of panic upon receiving several ominous communications from dentist Robert Noot, 55, alerting her that...
Bangy ‘Splodey season replaced with Blinky Flashy season
Neurotypicals have concluded the season of loud bangs and ‘splosions and have commenced the season of blinking, flashing lights everywhere, it has been announced. In accordance, the clocks have changed to Blinky Flashy Time (BFT) from Bangy ‘Splodey Time (BST). Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 48,...
