Country with bullet vending machines makes preventing autism a priority
Headline by Sarah Amero A country that distributes bullets like they’re chocolate bars has decided that eradicating autism is one of its top priorities, it has been reported. The USA, where you can pick up eggs, milk and lethal ammunition in the same supermarket run,...
Boss who scheduled unspecified chat better actually be firing you after all this
Your boss, who emailed you at quarter to five on a Friday asking if you can come to their office for “a quick catch up” on Monday morning, better actually be shitcanning you after wrecking your entire weekend, you have announced. Tricia Squire, 48, reportedly...
Two autistics making eye contact cause entire cosmos to shift
A pair of autistic lovers have caused a celestial disturbance following a “once-in-a-generation” ocular alignment, astrophysicists have said. Professor Natasha Weaving, who made the discovery, has reportedly been left “stunned” by the revelation that seemingly inconsequential human occurrences can materially alter the fabric of existence. ...
Seems reasonable! Autistic woman tasks self with fixing whole world
An autistic woman has set herself the entirely feasible task of singlehandedly fixing all the ills of the world, her loved ones have claimed. Ima Onwugbenu, 35, a librarian from Cheshire, has reportedly decided that she is personally responsible for ending capitalism, famine, genocide, climate...
Autistic woman’s one healthy food choice to justify many, many unhealthy ones
An autistic woman has announced plans to use her one healthy snack choice to “offset” her evening of eating junk food. Merve Öztürk, 25, who just begrudgingly ate one carrot, is now allowed to eat whatever the fuck she wants, because that’s definitely how nutrition...
Autistic woman finally free after running out of fucks to give
An autistic woman has been liberated from guilt, worry and an unending cycle of avoidable conflict by officially handing in her last fuck, it has been confirmed. Brenda Hernández, 45, who until recently had spent her life oscillating between fawning responses and explosive outbursts, issued...
Autistic man in hyperfocus fails to notice hunger, thirst or home robbery
An autistic man hyperfocusing on his special interest has failed to notice the passage of time, his basic bodily needs, and the gang of hoodlums ransacking his home, authorities have claimed. Jack Harrington, 42, who started building a homemade automatic plant-watering system earlier this morning,...
Autistic woman punished for fleeting moment of happiness by remembering mortality
An autistic woman has reportedly been punished for experiencing a brief moment of joy by immediately remembering the impermanence of life and that one day everyone who exists, including her, will be dead. Ffiona Maw, 42, experienced a fleeting moment of unbridled happiness while enjoying...
Autistic woman concerned when limo driver stops to pick up random people
Headline by Anna Nicholson, winner of our Patreon caption competition. Piece by Sara Gibbs An autistic woman who thought she was boarding an exclusive stretch limousine has been left “baffled and aggravated” after the driver repeatedly stopped to allow the general public on board, sources...
Experts reveal the causes of Daily Mail readership and how to avoid them
In an announcement that has stunned the nation’s right-wing dickheads, experts have vowed to identify the causes of reading The Daily Mail by the end of the month. The collection of words and pictures, which technically qualifies as a “newspaper” despite containing more shrieking than...
