Autistic person who doesn’t normally go for conspiracy theories approves of Starmer’s plan to dim sun
An autistic person who would usually be the first to debunk conspiracy theories would actually be curious to hear more about Keir Starmer’s plan to dim the sun, sources have claimed. Neuroscientist Jay Chester, 38, is reportedly quick to point out the logical flaws inherent...
Autism assessment mostly based on vibes, admits therapist
Your autism assessor diagnosed you the second you walked into her office, tearfully fidgeting with your neon pink hair, it has been rumoured. Clinical psychologist Tricia Squire, 45, has admitted that she took one look at your whole deal and was like “well, let’s go...
Autistic woman’s awkward phase enters 30th year
An autistic woman’s awkward phase has encompassed her entire life to date, it has been revealed. 30-year-old Beth Hapworth reportedly expected to grow out of her period of dodgy haircuts, embarrassing style experiments and responding to everything by saying “fab-a-roo”, but despite being an adult...
Expert! This autistic woman collects comorbidities
An autistic woman has reportedly wowed experts with her extensive collection of rare comorbid health conditions. Paige Thomas, 37, began collecting co-morbidities in her early twenties and has since curated an incredible list of ailments, injuries and illnesses. Thomas explained: “Like any connoisseur, I started...
Dinner host wishing they’d never asked for your dietary requirements
A friend who invited you over for dinner now wishes they’d never asked for your dietary requirements, met you, or been born, it has been rumoured. Olivia Buckingham, 32, who just thought it would be nice to have you over for a catch-up, reportedly didn’t...
Consistent! Person who says you’re not autistic gives you most shit for acting autistic
The person in your life who’s convinced you’re not really autistic at all is also the hardest on you about every single autistic trait you exhibit, it has been confirmed. Karen Hoyland, 58, who insists you were just fine until you got this autism nonsense...
“Self-employed” autistic woman actually works for cat
An autistic woman who thought becoming self-employed would mean being her own boss has discovered that she actually now works for a small feline tyrant, it has been confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 32, who made the move from from being a full-time corporate copywriter to freelancing...
AuDHD woman’s superpower is turning keys invisible
An AuDHD woman has revealed that her neurodivergent superpower is making her keys magically disappear whenever she tries to leave the house. Pippa Durham, 36, is reportedly also able to turn her unique talent to her wallet, phone and the memory of which app she’d...
Neurotypical ally clarifies: “RFK Jr. doesn’t mean YOU”
A non-autistic ally reportedly thinks it’s vital that you understand that when RFK Jr. gets eugenicsy about autism, he means those other ones – not you. Karen Hoyland, 60, wants to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to the...
Normally rule-following autistic says fuck transphobic laws
A cisgender autistic woman who is generally so law abiding she once performed a citizen’s arrest on herself for jaywalking will not acknowledge any evil transphobic legislation, it has been confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 37, who counts several trans and non-binary people among her dearest friends,...
