Autistic woman finally hands herself in for shoplifting that metallic blue nail polish in 1997
An autistic woman has turned herself in to the authorities after years on the run following a shoplifting incident in the late 1990s, police have confirmed. Kelsey Dacey, 37, told reporters that she has spent the better part of three decades “looking over her shoulder”...
“You can unmask with me” says neurotypical who doesn’t realise you’re feral
A non-autistic friend who wants you to feel safe to unmask with them has no idea what they’re saying, it has been confirmed. Eli Port, 44, would like you to be comfortable enough to be your true self – but is reportedly unaware that your...
Autistic man humblebragging forgets to do the “humble” part
An autistic man attempting to slip a sneaky little brag into an otherwise self-deprecating statement has completely fucked it, it has been confirmed. Gavin Monks, 45, reportedly intended to do a thing he’d read about called “humblebragging”, but instead skipped straight to the bragging bit....
Uh oh! AuDHD man finds someone polite enough to be captive audience
An AuDHD man is reportedly “chewing the ear off” a new acquaintance who’s too nice to simply wander off like everybody else does. Mac Wheatley, 38, was delighted to find himself seated next to Anand Trivedi, 46, at a mutual friend’s wedding, after Trivedi proved...
Autistic woman prefers direct communication unless she has to do it
An autistic woman who would prefer for others to deliver difficult truths to her without any ambiguity would also rather die than say a single stressful thing directly into another person’s face, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 38, who needs clear and direct communication...
“Spoiled” autistic child would rather not be in constant sensory hell
An “overly pampered” autistic child would prefer to not feel like everything is perpetually flashing, screeching and smacking her directly in the brain, sources have confirmed. Six-year-old Mary Walker, who flies into inexplicable rages when everything in her immediate environment goes bleepy bloopy bleep blorp,...
Autistic doom-monger never less pleased to say I told you so
An autistic person accused for the last decade of being a “harbinger of doom” has never been less thrilled about being correct, it has been revealed. Eli Port, 30, who usually relishes the moment they get to say “I told you so”, has conceded that,...
“My fault?” Mum determined to make your autism diagnosis all about her
Your mother is determined to make your late autism diagnosis all about herself somehow, it has been announced. Tricia Squire, 54, has reportedly decided to process your life-changing news by listing everything she remembers eating during her pregnancy 30 years ago and querying if “maybe...
Unsubscribe! Autistic man illegally storing your data in his brain
An autistic man has found himself in breach of the Data Protection Act after illegally accumulating an encyclopaedia of information about you in his own memory, it has been reported. Dexter Livingstone, 45, accused of storing facts about everyone he’s ever met without their permission...
Tragic! People think this woman is just TOO pretty to be autistic
A young woman is frequently disbelieved about her autism because she’s just too gosh darn attractive to be lumped in with the rest of us bridge trolls, it has been announced. Paige Thomas, 24, meets all the diagnostic criteria for ASD, yet finds that many...
