Interrogation of autistic man “entirely unnecessary” concede captors
An autistic man kidnapped by a criminal gang will tell you anything you want to know, and also many things you don’t want to know, without being subjected to torture, his captors have revealed. Ryan Wilkins, 40, who was captured in the dead of night...
Amazing! This neurotypical woman can assess your support needs from just your profile picture
A non-autistic woman has wowed experts with her uncanny ability to decipher exactly how disabled you are based solely on your online presence. Karen Hoyland, 48, only has to glance at your profile image and a handful of posts in order to declare you “very...
Chosen! Safest-looking colleague at team meeting receives staring of a lifetime
The colleague in your team meeting who happens to have the most sympathetic face is about to be stared at so intensely they will likely conclude that you’re in love with them, it has been announced. Miya Wilkes, 34, whose eyes positively twinkle with empathy...
Bystanders traumatised after autistic woman asked “what’s the worst that can happen?”
Bystanders have reportedly been left “traumatised” after overhearing an autistic woman answering the question “what’s the worst that can happen?” The question, which was reportedly intended to be rhetorical, was answered in harrowing detail by Sabeen Bhatt, 46, who began by describing every possible calamity...
Missing! AuDHD family devastated after beloved household money runs away
An AuDHD family has reportedly been left bereft after their household money mysteriously ran away, like a wayward pet. Parents of two, Dexter and Paige Livingstone, both 39, tried to take good care of their money and give it the best possible life in a...
Autistic woman works out who all the characters are just in time for season finale
An autistic woman has finally worked out who all the characters in a new TV show are, just in time for the season to reach its conclusion, sources have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 30, who spent the first five episodes of a generic courtroom drama trying...
Kids think they’re autistic because of social contagion, says mum who wants hers to catch measles
Children are catching autism from other kids, according to a mother who took her own offspring to a measles party. Karen Hoyland, 35, who believes both vaccines and having friends cause autism, actively encourages her six-year-old son Finley to get potentially deadly measles for reasons...
Study finds only thing worse than being ignored is being perceived
The only thing worse than nobody noticing you is somebody acknowledging your stupid, embarrassing existence, a study has revealed. The study, conducted by researchers who had reportedly “run out of ideas”, showed that while going through life feeling invisible is painful, it’s nowhere near as...
Autistic Pride Day welcome break from Autistic Shame Year
Autistic Pride Day is to provide a much-needed temporary respite from the remainder of a year spent marinating in shame, it has been rumoured. The event, which takes place today, the 18th of June, encourages autistics to feel positive about themselves – until the clock...
Autistic writer upset they can’t submit second draft of conversation
An autistic writer has reportedly been left “frustrated” that they are unable to submit the second draft of the very stupid thing they just said in casual conversation. Jay Chester, 48, who regularly puts their foot in their mouth during routine social interactions, often redrafts...
