Starmer: “The moral case for bludgeoning those cute bush baby things you see at the zoo”
Prime Minister Keir Starmer has issued a statement explaining the “moral case” for bashing to death the adorable, wide-eyed bush babies holding back our nation. Having tackled other societal menaces, such as disabled adults and transgender children, Starmer announced yesterday that he’d be forming a...
Boss! Autistic woman smashing work goals rewarded with burnout
An autistic woman has smashed the glass ceiling only to become too fucking exhausted to reap any of the rewards, it has been confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 32, spent her entire 20s grafting, hustling and girl-bossing her way through her event photography career only to find...
Autistic woman will definitely book ADHD assessment at some point
An autistic woman unsure if she also has ADHD has announced plans to try to get assessed at some vague, indeterminate point in the future. Emma Bernard, 34, who exhibits a lot of ADHD traits, is absolutely planning to contact the GP, advocate for herself,...
Autistic person ruins special interest by trying to monetise it
An autistic person has managed to suck all the joy out of their special interest by attempting to make money from it, reports have indicated. Jay Chester, 42, has always loved baking as fun, low-pressure hobby, made the inexplicable decision to turn it into a...
Autistic woman browsing Netflix only to rewatch lifetime of shame
An autistic woman searching Netflix for something new to watch will likely settle on her usual showreel of mortifying life moments that make her wish she’d never been born, it has been rumoured. Avery Mann, 40, reportedly briefly hovered over Apple Cider Vinegar, before the...
Heroes! Parents who love autistic child eagerly await medal
Self-described “autism parents” who “love their child with autism” have reportedly been left disappointed after discovering there’s no medal for loving your own offspring. Graeme and Karen Hoyland, both 38, have insisted that they wouldn’t change seven-year-old Finley Rice for the world – “even though...
Failure! Overprepared autistic woman forgets to pack the one thing someone wants to borrow
An autistic woman who usually leaves the house with every practical item anyone might ever need has apologised for her lack of foresight after failing to pack the one thing a stranger asked for. Beth Hapworth, 27, usually carries around enough supplies to survive an...
Pair of dyscalculiac friends can just about add up between the three of them
A couple of autistic friends who also have dyscalculia have managed to compensate for their spiky skill set between the three of them, an indeterminate number of reports have indicated. Emma Bernard, ?, and Sabeen Bhatt, ???, have been best friends since they were placed...
“Amateur hour” says autistic woman celebrating Pancake Year
An autistic woman has branded neurotypical Pancake Day celebrations “a pathetic effort,” in an exclusive interview. Megan Aldrich, 29, is so dedicated to Shrove Tuesday that she also celebrates Shrove Monday, Shrove Wednesday, Shrove Thursday, Shrove Friday and Shrove Saturday, year-round, without a break. “Technically...
Trust your gut? Autistic woman’s intuition feels pretty much the same as generalised anxiety disorder
An autistic woman told by her therapist to “trust your instincts” is reportedly struggling to discern her instincts from her debilitating anxiety disorder. Alma Montague, 34, could be holed up indoors with the curtains drawn because of her irrational terror of the outside world –...
