Autistic hypnotist: “look around my eyes”
An autistic hypnotist has reasonably adjusted his job role by masking his lack of eye contact with clever trickery, it has been rumoured. Anand Trivedi, 49, manages to avoid making eye contact with his subjects by looking between, or around, their eyeballs. Trivedi explained: “They...
AuDHD man forgets where he buried Lego for winter
An auDHD man who recently buried his Lego for winter now can’t remember where he bloody put it, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 31, used spatial memory and landmarks such as trees to remember where he had stored his bricks – but immediately forgot...
Thank fuck! Autistic woman discovers dentist can’t actually arrest her
An autistic woman has expressed relief at discovering that her dentist does not have powers of arrest, despite the tone of his reminder messages. Freya Emerson, 42, described a sense of panic upon receiving several ominous communications from dentist Robert Noot, 55, alerting her that...
Bangy ‘Splodey season replaced with Blinky Flashy season
Neurotypicals have concluded the season of loud bangs and ‘splosions and have commenced the season of blinking, flashing lights everywhere, it has been announced. In accordance, the clocks have changed to Blinky Flashy Time (BFT) from Bangy ‘Splodey Time (BST). Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 48,...
“I’m a bit OCD” claims woman who has to a bit avoid cracks in pavement or family will a bit die
A woman who has insisted she’s “a bit OCD” is – in fact – not. Karen Hoyland, 46, made the comment to explain why she likes things neat and tidy – but after being challenged by an actual OCD sufferer, has doubled down on her...
Autistic man buries Lego for winter
An autistic man has begun the annual process of burying his Lego to protect it during the winter months when Lego sources are scarce, it has been reported. Dexter Livingstone, 31, also has ADHD, but uses spatial memory and landmarks such as trees to remember...
Society to consider taking insanely accomplished autistic woman seriously
Society has promised to have a “proper think” about taking an autistic woman with a ludicrous number of achievements seriously, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 34, who is a bestselling author, BAFTA-winning screenwriter and Nobel Prize winner, was reportedly delighted to discover that her...
Inspiring! Aspie Supremacists prove autistics can still eugenics with the best of them
A group of autistic people calling themselves Aspie Supremacists have been praised as “inspirational” for proving that eugenics can be for everyone, it has been reported. Aspie Supremacists, who believe their brand of autism makes them superior to both neurotypicals and other autistics, have attracted...
Friend who politely asked about special interest unaware they’ve committed rest of life to hearing about it
A non-autistic friend who asked a polite question about an autistic woman’s special interest has no idea that they will be hearing about it until they’re dead, it has been rumoured. Pippa Durham, 29, made the fatal error when Paige Thomas, 36, mentioned her love...
Autistics to make rare exception for giant group hug
Autistic people who generally dislike hugging strangers have announced that they will make an exception today for a massive group hug because we all bloody need it. The Hug, which is open to anyone who isn’t a fascist-supporting cunt, won’t fix the bin fire that...
