Researchers have confirmed long-held suspicions that there are no good footwear options and that having feet in general is just not ideal, a new study has revealed.
The study surveyed all known garments and items that can be used to cover one’s feet, concluding that they are all, without exception, terrible.
Dr. Pippa Durham, who led the study, explained: “Aside from the obvious issue with seams, socks have a terrible habit of forming these threadbare patches which are like walking on the cross-hatching drawing your art teacher ridiculed in front of the whole class in Year 8.”
“Shoes will either make your feet uncomfortably squashed or rub them into agonising blisters,” she continued. “Even shoes that are designed for comfort will find other exciting ways to fuck with you.”
“Ugg boots make you look like a caveman and absorb rainwater to such an extent that, in a light shower, your feet quickly become too heavy to lift, rooting you to the spot until rescued. Meanwhile, Crocs are apparently made of uncooked halloumi cheese and they’re literally full of holes.”
“Our researchers also tried going barefoot. Indoors, you’ll have chilly toes and constantly attract tiny fragments of mysteriousness from your carpet. Outdoors, you’ll be stepping in broken glass and dog shit, which will make you almost as unattractive as the Crocs.”
Professor Durham was last seen attempting to slither along on her belly like a snake, in the hope that her feet would get the message and somehow just make themselves scarce.
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