An autistic lobbying group has called for all uteri to pause hostilities while heatwave conditions continue, it has been reported.

The group, known as For Uterine Calm Knowing it’s Sweltering, Awful and Kafkaesque Everywhere (FUCKSAKE), is advocating for a temporary blanket ban on any and all hormonal fuckery, on the basis that no human being should be subjected to more than one sensory hell at a time.

Sweaty mess Kit McGodden, 44, was appointed spokesperson for the campaign, but when approached for comment could only say “I’m melting, melting…” before crumpling into a heap like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Replacement spokesperson Beth Hapworth, 36, said: “An invisible assailant has replaced my bed with soup and is also punching me in the groin every two to five minutes. I don’t think that should be allowed.”

“What do you mean it’s also hayfever season?”

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