An autistic woman with faceblindness is happy to report that she’s almost 65% certain the woman currently sitting in her living room is her beloved wife. Probably.

Beth Hapworth, 29, has reportedly spent the last few hours casually trying to scrutinise the face of Natasha Weaving, 28, the woman she loves most in the world, for any kind of clue that they’ve met before.

Hapworth spoke to us in a whisper from the kitchen. “Oh God, it’s happened again. I normally stay within a three-metre radius of Tash at all times but she popped out to the shops on her own. Now there’s a brown-haired woman in my living room and I am trying to figure out how to politely ask if she’s the same one who left. I have repeatedly suggested the perfect solution so I never lose her, but she selfishly refuses to be AirTagged.”

“Obviously I’ve got strategies for this: she didn’t scratch her nose when I did, so it’s definitely not my reflection again,” Hapworth continued. “I know she’s currently got brown hair, so – tick. There’s a large wedding photo above the mantlepiece, so I’ve been trying to compare her with the picture. Honestly, it’d be a lot easier if she was still wearing that strapless emerald ballgown. Do you think I could convince her to put it on?”

When approached for comment, Weaving called through to the kitchen, “Fuckssake, Beth, it’s me! I was only gone for 20 minutes! Did you think a friendly neighbourhood butch carrying mustard seeds had just wandered in from the cold?”

Hapworth could not be reached for further comment, as she was busy leaving a felt-tip pen and a roll of name labels by the front door.

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