The experience of telling off a person for trying to cut the queue at a theme park is generally similar to the horrors of the wholesale mass slaughter of young working-class men during The Battle of the Somme, sources have revealed.

Lottie Fitzgerald, 35, an autistic woman who was queuing for a place on the rollercoaster Stealth at Thorpe Park, was already undergoing the endless horrors of standing around in the cold waiting for a thing with no end in sight, when she found herself having to confront two teenagers who had, in a neurotypical and deeply uncivil fashion, attempted to push ahead instead of waiting their turn.

Fitzgerald commented: “I was already overwhelmed and horribly fidgety, then here come these two – completely violating the rules – trying to push in! Don’t… don’t they know the rules? What about the rules? It was exactly like the deadliest battle in British history, but worse because I didn’t have an army.”

Fitzgerald continued: “This set off my internal sense of justice, but that pushed against my need to not make a scene. I ended up sort of stammering ‘Hey…come on, guys, that’s not cool!’, and then they argued back! At this point my body was so full of adrenaline I could practically hear the machine guns firing from the trenches.”

Onlookers say that Fitzgerald, emotionally exhausted from this savage and unthinkable act, spent the rest of her time in the queue fashioning binoculars and cigarette lighters out of discarded soft-drink cups, and writing haunting poems about her time in The Queue.

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