An autistic woman’s idea of self care is virtually indistinguishable from that of a morally bankrupt Roman emperor, sources have claimed.
Lottie Fitzgerald, 36, deals with the stresses of everyday life by plotting against family members (blocking her mum on WhatsApp), indulging in raucous bacchanals (drinking Lucozade before bed) and feeding animal sacrifices to the lions (treating her cats to leftover chicken).
Fitzgerald can often be found pacing her palatial estate (£1200-a-month box room in North London) in a state of partial undress, issuing increasingly unhinged decrees to her most trusted general (boyfriend). Previous edicts have included a ban on anyone breathing near her, a strict one-minute limit on phone calls and an order to execute the Big Light with a swift beheading.
Like so many controversial rulers before her, Fitzgerald is feared and reviled by her peers. She commented: “Whenever I walk into work, everyone stops talking and just stares at me. Either I’ve got toothpaste all over my shirt, or they’re going to assassinate me.”
Rumours are circling that Fitzgerald’s manager, Cameron Brereton, 41, plans to unseat her through a bloody coup (annual performance meeting in which he will definitely sack her).
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