The waiting list for NHS autism assessments is to be split into “naughty” and “nice”’” categories in time for Christmas, it has been reported.
With waiting times for an assessment up to three years long in some parts of the country, the list has been outsourced to the North Pole. There, Santa will decide who will receive an autism diagnosis – or a lump of coal – in their stocking this year.
Lucas Fletcher, 354, one of Santa’s elves, explained the process: “We have a scoring system where each person earns ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ points, and then we tot them up. Based on that, we then decide whether you deserve support and accommodations, or the crushing invalidation of a lifetime of struggle.”
“For example, it’s one ‘naughty point’ for every time you’ve expressed empathy for another fellow human or sent an email without breaking into a sweat. Five naughty points if anyone’s ever been remotely attracted to you, and 20 points if nobody secretly thinks you’re a dickhead.”
“If you’re on the naughty list, you’ll be told that you can’t be autistic because you have friends and a job.”
When asked how to earn a place on the “nice” list, Fletcher responded: “You can’t. Under this system, autistic people never win.”
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