An autistic woman is already crafting her needlessly elaborate excuse for why she can’t attend her office Christmas do, it has been rumoured.

Emma Bernard, 33, from Slough, could absolutely attend the annual work Christmas buffet if she wanted to – but would simply prefer to perish.

“Despite it being described as a ‘treat’ for staff, a Christmas party feels like a cruel and unusual punishment,” Bernard told us. “And something about tinsel in a corporate setting makes me want to strangle myself.”

Bernard continued: “I’d rather die than sit in an office chair picking at one of Deborah’s mini quiches, to the dim hum of an even staler Christmas song.”

Bernard reportedly intends to declare a family emergency several days before the event, on the basis that it will give the team something interesting to talk about over the sausage rolls.

Bernard added: “This time of year is all about thinking of others.”

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