A neurotypical man has recently voiced his belief that you’re “not like other girls” – seemingly unaware that you’re worse.

Lloyd Didcot, 34, expressed the sentiment during the worst Hinge date of your life, in which he forced you to sit at one of the communal tables at Wagamama for a pre-cinema lunch, then tried to kiss you 30 minutes into Nosferatu. Thanks to your difficulty reading non-verbal cues, you didn’t pick up on his absolutely foul vibe until he’d pressed his chapped lips to yours, obliterating your senses with a heady bouquet of Joop! Homme and teriyaki.

Afterwards, when he suggested you both sit on a park bench for no apparent reason other than to stare at you with big, wet eyes like a frightened whippet, Didcot began extolling your virtues by insulting every other woman on Earth.

“Most girls are so shallow,” he said, fiddling with his wanky quarter-zip. “They’re all just obsessed with looks. You, on the other hand, look sort of scruffy, and your eyeliner’s smudged halfway down your cheek. I think that’s really hot. Sort of effortlessly sexy, like Brigitte Bardot, or an anthropomorphised lady raccoon from a kids’ film who’s inexplicably got boobs.”

He then reached forward to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear, murmuring: “You’re so quirky. Like that film. What’s it called… Girl, Interrupted? Yeah. You’re like her.”

According to sources, Didcot is also unaware that you’re about to rip him to shreds in three different group chats. 

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