Wow! Autistic woman so socially adept she doesn’t even need small talk
An autistic woman has proven to be that gifted at socialising that she goes straight in for the overshare, according to reports. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Cheadle, has insisted that the lack of small talk isn’t due to a deficiency in her social skillset – but…
Festive spirit! Autistic woman begins preparing office Christmas party excuses
An autistic woman is already crafting her needlessly elaborate excuse for why she can’t attend her office Christmas do, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 33, from Slough, could absolutely attend the annual work Christmas buffet if she wanted to – but would simply prefer...
Autistic man buries Lego for winter
An autistic man has begun the annual process of burying his Lego to protect it during the winter months when Lego sources are scarce, it has been reported. Dexter Livingstone, 31, also has ADHD, but uses spatial memory and landmarks such as trees to remember...
Woman rebrands autistic burnout as “flop era”
A woman has become a social-media sensation after rebranding her autistic burnout as her “flop era”. Beth Hapworth, 28, who runs an Instagram account detailing her experiences with autistic burnout, made the change after noticing her follower count was low. The results were almost instant:...
Autistic woman cast as villain in family drama
An autistic woman has expressed gratitude for “the role of a lifetime” having been cast as the main antagonist in her lifelong family drama, sources have revealed. Growing up, Paige Thomas, 31, from Dewsbury, was typecast as “spoiled” and “absolutely impossible to please” – despite...
Society to consider taking insanely accomplished autistic woman seriously
Society has promised to have a “proper think” about taking an autistic woman with a ludicrous number of achievements seriously, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 34, who is a bestselling author, BAFTA-winning screenwriter and Nobel Prize winner, was reportedly delighted to discover that her...
I wasn’t bullied, says woman just playfully ostracised at school
An autistic woman who was regularly targeted by her entire class remains certain she wasn’t bullied in primary school, it has been confirmed. Paige Thomas, 29, from Preston, said: “Those years evoke such precious memories! Girls confronting me in the toilets, chasing me down corridors...
Inspiring! Aspie Supremacists prove autistics can still eugenics with the best of them
A group of autistic people calling themselves Aspie Supremacists have been praised as “inspirational” for proving that eugenics can be for everyone, it has been reported. Aspie Supremacists, who believe their brand of autism makes them superior to both neurotypicals and other autistics, have attracted...
Friend who politely asked about special interest unaware they’ve committed rest of life to hearing about it
A non-autistic friend who asked a polite question about an autistic woman’s special interest has no idea that they will be hearing about it until they’re dead, it has been rumoured. Pippa Durham, 29, made the fatal error when Paige Thomas, 36, mentioned her love...
Adorable! Neurotypicals open autism petting zoo
A neurotypical woman has opened Britain’s first autism petting zoo, reports have confirmed. “For many people, a petting zoo is their first opportunity to meet a real autistic,” explained zoo founder Deborah Whitehead, 54. “Apart from your weird colleague, it’s unlikely you’ll encounter one in...
Rising autism diagnoses confirm that we totally fuck
A recent public health report has revealed that autism is more common than previously thought, confirming that autistic people are really good at sex. The government-commissioned report found a staggering 120% year-on-year increase in new autism diagnoses, suggesting that the neurotype is extremely common. As...
Autistics to make rare exception for giant group hug
Autistic people who generally dislike hugging strangers have announced that they will make an exception today for a massive group hug because we all bloody need it. The Hug, which is open to anyone who isn’t a fascist-supporting cunt, won’t fix the bin fire that...
Woman who didn’t go to war still fucking hates fireworks
An autistic woman is opposed to letting off local fireworks for entirely selfless reasons, reports have indicated. Niamh McGodden, 25, from Allerton, has suddenly become invested in the welfare of ex-serving members of the military – and not just because she finds the sound of...