Starmer: “The moral case for bludgeoning those cute bush baby things you see at the zoo”
Prime Minister Keir Starmer has issued a statement explaining the “moral case” for bashing to death the adorable, wide-eyed bush babies holding back our nation. Having tackled other societal menaces, such as disabled adults and transgender children, Starmer announced yesterday that he’d be forming a…
Boss! Autistic woman smashing work goals rewarded with burnout
An autistic woman has smashed the glass ceiling only to become too fucking exhausted to reap any of the rewards, it has been confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 32, spent her entire 20s grafting, hustling and girl-bossing her way through her event photography career only to find...
It wasn’t meant to be, says autistic woman after 978th failed job interview
An autistic woman emerging from yet another catastrophic job interview has reportedly consoled herself by saying it just wasn’t meant to be – the world of employment, that is. Emma Bernard, 34, from Widnes, came to the realisation after being rejected from yet another admin...
Autistic woman will definitely book ADHD assessment at some point
An autistic woman unsure if she also has ADHD has announced plans to try to get assessed at some vague, indeterminate point in the future. Emma Bernard, 34, who exhibits a lot of ADHD traits, is absolutely planning to contact the GP, advocate for herself,...
Autistic person ruins special interest by trying to monetise it
An autistic person has managed to suck all the joy out of their special interest by attempting to make money from it, reports have indicated. Jay Chester, 42, has always loved baking as fun, low-pressure hobby, made the inexplicable decision to turn it into a...
Autistic woman’s cat begs her to expand social circle
An autistic woman’s cat has reportedly begged her to expand her social circle after becoming concerned at her lack of human friends. Fudge Cake, seven, from Canvey Island, became worried about his owner, Emma Bernard, 29, after she told him he was “the only friend...
You don’t look autistic! Woman looking increasingly pissed off now
An autistic woman who was told that she “doesn’t look autistic” by a man she met eight minutes ago is looking more and more furious by the minute, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 27, who endured the exchange whilst sat in an Avanti...
Autistic woman browsing Netflix will probably end up rewatching lifetime of shame
An autistic woman searching Netflix for something new to watch will likely settle on her usual showreel of mortifying life moments that make her wish she’d never been born, it has been rumoured. Avery Mann, 40, reportedly briefly hovered over Apple Cider Vinegar, before the...
Lifesaver! Woman donates autism to seriously neurotypical mother
A woman has reportedly given her seriously neurotypical mother the ultimate gift – the gift of autism. According to sources, Natasha Weaving, 33, from Stafford, couldn’t bear to see her mother Olivia Buckingham, 63, struggling with her neurotypical brain and so generously shared her own...
Autistic women “chameleon-like” due to their long sticky tongues, say experts
Autistic women are indeed like “chameleons” but for rather different reasons than initially thought, experts have discovered. The average autistic woman is believed to have a tongue length of at least 10 to 12 feet, roughly twice the length of their body, and is thought...
Heroes! Parents who love child with autism eagerly await medal
Self-described “autism parents” who “love their child with autism” have reportedly been left disappointed after discovering there’s no medal for loving your own offspring. Graeme and Karen Hoyland, both 38, have insisted that they wouldn’t change seven-year-old Finley Rice for the world – “even though...
Failure! Overprepared autistic woman forgets to pack the one thing someone wants to borrow
An autistic woman who usually leaves the house with every practical item anyone might ever need has apologised for her lack of foresight after failing to pack the one thing a stranger asked for. Beth Hapworth, 27, usually carries around enough supplies to survive an...
Autistic woman celebrates rare burst of energy by running herself into the ground again
An autistic woman experiencing a rare burst of energy has decided to mark the occasion by doing all the things that exhausted her in the first place. Navya Randhawa, 36, was recently forced to take a week off work following a debilitating episode of burnout...
