Neurotypical ally clarifies: “RFK Jr. doesn’t mean YOU”
A non-autistic ally reportedly thinks it’s vital that you understand that when RFK Jr. gets eugenicsy about autism, he means those other ones – not you. Karen Hoyland, 60, wants to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to the…
Normally rule-following autistic says fuck transphobic laws
A cisgender autistic woman who is generally so law abiding she once performed a citizen’s arrest on herself for jaywalking will not acknowledge any evil transphobic legislation, it has been confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 37, who counts several trans and non-binary people among her dearest friends,...
Disappointing! Sunflower lanyard tastes like shit
The sunflower lanyard for hidden disabilities makes for a thoroughly suboptimal chew toy, according to autistic people. The green and yellow lanyard – which allows you to play a sort of social Russian roulette with the general public – is not particularly pleasant to use...
Innovative! Neurotypical relative discovers new way to patronise you
Your neurotypical relative has revealed themselves to be a creative genius after inventing an entirely new way to make you feel like an overgrown toddler, it has been rumoured. Karen Hoyland, 57, reportedly upped her game after burning through “you must be very mild”, “we’re...
Wow! Autistic-coded TV character SO autistic nobody needs to actually say it
A character in a new comedy series is so blatantly autistic it doesn’t need to be so much as mentioned at any point, the show’s neurotypical creator has said. The show, What’s the Deal with Grizelda Grumpf, follows kooky main character Grizelda, whose mysteriously peculiar...
Autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand just same old suffering with new haircut
An autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand has failed to alter her miserable existence apart from making her hair look slightly different, eyewitnesses have claimed. Pippa Durham, 33, who experiences the urge to become a completely different person every three months, genuinely thought she could overhaul her...
“Burned out” autistic woman just on hiatus
An autistic woman who has paused all her life activities in order to lie in bed, catatonic, has announced that this is simply a break in production. Star of The Paige Thomas Show, Paige Thomas, 29, whose series unexpectedly went off-air mid-season, has promised that...
Autistic boomer man unaware he’s new female friend’s reply guy
An autistic man in his 60s who recently began communicating a well-known woman in her early 20s online is reportedly referring to her as his “good friend, Paige.” Robert Noot, 63, who followed 23-year-old influencer Paige Thomas on Bluesky one month ago, now thinks of...
Autistic woman has baseline anxiety level of Hunger Games contestant
An autistic woman’s baseline anxiety level is identical to that of a contestant in The Hunger Games, according to sources. Krista Shure, 22, is plagued by constant fear and dread, much like a plucky literary heroine being forced to fight to the death in a...
She comes apart! This autistic woman’s joints pop out like Betty Spaghetty
An autistic woman with hypermobile joints functions just like a living, breathing Betty Spaghetty doll, it has been reported. Natasha Weaving, 32, boasts the unique ability to partially dislocate her arms, legs, elbow and shoulder at any time of the day, with painful yet ultimately...
Autistic woman doesn’t want to take credit for other people’s work and also for her own work
An autistic woman trying to avoid taking credit for her colleagues’ work reportedly also doesn’t want to take credit for her own work, for some reason. Miya Wilkes, 34, insists on being conscientious about giving everyone their dues – except for herself, because everything she...
Comforting! Autistic woman’s safe food slowly killing her
An autistic woman’s supposed “safe food” is gradually leading to her demise, according to reports. Paige Thomas, 28, constantly falls asleep at her desk, develops a new illness every other week and is deficient in vitamins from A all the way down to Z –...
I hate small talk, says autistic woman who loves chatting shit
An autistic woman who despises ordinary workplace conversations will make a rare exception for the sake of decent gossip, it has been rumoured. Despite loathing typical office chit-chat, Ffiona Maw, 32, will cheerfully listen to you slag off your mutual nemesis as many times as...
