Allistic people have expressed excitement that humanity will magically reset itself on the first of January, it has been announced.  In a statement released today, neurotypicals conveyed their relief that “this horrible year is nearly over,” asserting the belief that an arbitrary change in year...

An autistic woman has made just one resolution for 2025 – to be as much of a menace as possible, sources have revealed. Ffiona Maw, 36, considered learning Spanish or joining the gym next year, but decided instead to quit suppressing her authentic self in...

Neurotypicals have once more opted to celebrate a cherished day in the winter calendar with a dessert option unanimously thought to be revolting, it has been announced. For reasons nobody can make sense of, a disgusting dense sphere made of dried fruit and candied peel...

Despite their best efforts, an autistic person has concluded they can’t wrap for shit, it has been announced. Freya Emerson, 31, from Atherton, has spent the last five-and-a-half hours despairing on the bedroom carpet while trying to wrap a giant Lindt ball – with minimal...

An autistic man accused of ruining Christmas by being “a real Scrooge” has simply used all his social energy on interactions with three weirdly intense ghosts, it has been confirmed.  Ben Espenson, 35, had intended to make an effort with his extended family over Christmas...

Non-autistic people worldwide are due to collectively engage in a series of worrying rituals known as “Christmas traditions”, according to reports. Despite your family’s apparent concern about how much you love Legend of Zelda, it’s about to be socially acceptable to fixate on nothing but...

In the spirit of Christmas, an autistic woman has commenced her favourite form of stimming – known as “the jingle bell rock”. Natasha Weaving, 29, has been moving her body back and forth in a repetitive, self-soothing motion since her extended family arrived 12 hours...