Autistic woman sets new world record in running from demands
An autistic woman has set a new world record for speed in avoiding all direct requests made of her, it has been reported. Ffiona Maw, 29, has managed to successively run away from all tasks that have been required from her since 2011 – including…
Autistic woman’s one-step skincare routine is better than nothing, she guesses
An autistic woman’s one-step skincare routine is reportedly better than a no-step skincare routine – probably. 37-year-old Emma Bernard used to make the effort to cleanse, tone and moisturise twice a day – but then they changed what you’re supposed to do to include all...
Autistic people are faking it for benefits, says man who thinks government wants to make him rich
A local man believes autistic people are “faking it” in a bid to take away the abundant riches promised to him by the government, sources have said. Paul Shinter, 49, says that the UK government has lots of cash it wants to distribute to the...
Autistic woman deceived by false promise of quiet train carriage
An autistic woman has been left devastated to discover that “quiet carriage” signs on trains are essentially meaningless, according to reports. Megan Aldrich, 34, booked a seat in the quiet carriage for her morning commute in the hope of preventing a severe case of sensory...
Friend autistic woman likes but wasn’t expecting to see might as well be Slenderman
An autistic woman who unexpectedly bumped into a good friend while out is reportedly unsure of why she’s reacted like she’s encountered a terrifying creature coming at her with outstretched limbs. Beth Hapworth, 31, from Ormskirk, was taking a pleasant evening stroll around her local...
Trains! This autistic woman challenges autism stereotypes by being stereotypically autistic
An autistic woman has challenged the stereotype that women don’t always fit the autism stereotype by being stereotypically autistic, sources have confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 29, who was diagnosed in childhood, loves trains and has never so much as attempted to fake eye contact by looking...
Autistic Dorothy just trying to get back to nice, dark Kansas
An autistic teenager transported into magical a world of technicolour has reportedly been left “desperate” to find her way home, away from all the horrible technicolour. Dorothy Gale, 16, from Kansas, described the land of Oz as “ow, my eyes”. Gale commented: “To be honest,...
They didn’t have autism in my day, says man unaware he had autism in his day
A man who claims that nobody had autism “in his day” is reportedly unaware that he both had autism in his day and that the sun has not yet set on his day. Gavin Monks, 65 – who books his car in for regular services...
Science! Autistic person discovers solving one anxiety spawns 14 new ones
An autistic person has made the groundbreaking discovery that resolving the source of one anxiety causes at least 14 new ones to pop up, like adding water to a Gremlin, it has been announced. Eli Port, 41, made the breakthrough after their boss asking them...
Autistic woman attempts to move in to cat café
An autistic woman has been apprehended by staff at a cat café after attempting to live there permanently, sources have claimed. Megan Aldrich, 30, arrived at Purrfect Paradise in Basingstoke with four large suitcases and 17 houseplants. In an effort to blend in with the...
Autistic woman totally dyes hair blue to piss off incels
An autistic woman has revealed that she mostly dyes her hair blue in order to annoy basement-dwelling dweebs who think women can’t be autistic. Niamh Callaghan, 27, reportedly likes her blue hair, but not as much as she likes being the physical manifestation of an...
I changed your safe food recipe, admits Satan
The devil has admitted that he quietly changed the standard recipe of your favourite ready meal just to ruin your life. In a statement released today, Lucifer, 13.7 billion, took responsibility for turning your delicious, creamy mac and cheese with a sexy golden brown crust...
Friend still fuming at you for skipping her birthday drinks shares autism awareness post
Your neurotypical friend who was seething at you for days for prematurely leaving her social gathering has just reposted a touching Instagram story honouring autism awareness, according to reports. Lottie Fitzgerald, 26, shared the infographic of a lone puzzle piece captioned, “really important to be...
