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    Family, Love, News, Relationships

    Festive dating! Autistic woman finds unhealthy father figure to replicate trauma with 

    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  

    A straight autistic woman who seeks out unhealthy father figures in her romantic life has found the perfect jolly, yet mercurial older man to trigger her complex PTSD, it has been rumoured.  Sarah Harrow, 29, who seeks out partners who are at least 20 years…

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    News

    Don’t let your autism define you, begs woman whose Insta bio reads “drinker of tea” 

    A non-autistic woman who doesn’t want your autism to define who you are has listed her own defining trait as drinking a hot beverage consumed by pretty much everyone, sources have revealed.  Karen Hoyland, 44, whose Insta bio reads “good vibes only, drinker of tea”...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Adorable! Autistic woman suggests serial-killer-inspired baby name 

    An autistic woman at a baby shower has accidentally suggested a name inspired by a serial killer, it has been rumoured.  Siobhan Moorton, 29, from Flint, claims she was “just trying to think outside the box” for former school friend Becky’s future son – and...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic woman finally perfects answering name call on class register 

    An autistic woman has finally nailed the art of answering the teacher calling her name on the morning register – despite having left school eight decades ago. Miya Wilkes, 96, from Tuebrook, insists that delivering a simple “here, Miss” in front of a class of...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic woman conquers world after discovering allistics’ secret life handbook  

    An autistic woman has finally been given the keys to the kingdom after unearthing the elusive How to Person handbook the neurotypicals have been hiding from us, it has been announced.  Beth Hapworth, 32, expressed relief at having her suspicions confirmed that everyone else was...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Family, News

    Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas 

    An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autism assessment waiting list to be split into “naughty” and “nice” 

    The waiting list for NHS autism assessments is to be split into “naughty” and “nice”’” categories in time for Christmas, it has been reported. With waiting times for an assessment up to three years long in some parts of the country, the list has been...
    Sarah Amero, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News, Relationships

    “Unfiltered” autistic woman actually thinking many atrocious things she’s not saying  

    An autistic woman described by colleagues as “totally unfiltered” actually, alarmingly does have a filter that’s catching a high proportion of her horrifying thoughts, it has been rumoured.  Admin assistant Natasha Weaving, 23, has acquired a reputation for saying whatever is on her mind at...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News, Work

    Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self 

    An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports.  Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Celebrities, News

    Autistics to Boris Johnson: don’t even fucking think about it 

    Autistic people have issued a statement explaining to Boris Johnson that autism does not cause you to become a compulsively lying, law-breaking, nation-wrecking cunt. The statement encourages Johnson – who claimed in a Telegraph interview that he can be “a bit on the spectrum” –...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic person sports itchy Christmas jumper for record time of 8.2 minutes  

    An autistic person has managed to keep a Christmas sweater on their body for record-breaking time of 8.2 minutes – or 492 seconds – according to reports. Jay Maw, 33, from Carlisle, has beaten the previous record of Robert Noot, 42, who wore his cashmere...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Celebrities, News

    Gregg Wallace to clarify: “My autism is the sex pest” 

    Former Masterchef presenter, Gregg Wallace, is reportedly due to clarify that it is not him, but his autism, that is the sex pest, actually.  Gregg Wallace – who probably first Googled “autism” some time last week despite having had an autistic son for the past...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    “Why am I always so tired?” Asks autistic woman who exclusively eats pizza  

    An autistic woman who subsists entirely on a diet of dough, tomato and cheese has appealed for answers as to why she’s dead on her feet, it has been rumoured.  Sarah Harrow, 37, is unfortunately too old to get away with eating like a student...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
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