Your employer is proud to be able to offer a range of reasonable adjustments – that is, apart from the few you had the audacity to request, according to reports.

In a statement issued today, the company commented: “Nothing is too much trouble – except for you and your autism. Which is, in fact, a fucking pain in arse.”

“We can refer you to an on-site counselling session you didn’t ask for,” the statement continued. “Or even give you a cheap pair of headphones that aren’t even noise-cancelling and look eerily like the ones they hand out for free on planes. You’ll still get to hear Graham emptying his mid-morning bag of smoky bag Walker’s into his mouth – but trust us, that’s a lot of fun!”

“However, we simply can’t abide you turning off your camera in a Teams meeting. Despite you not being expected to speak or interject at all, it’s essential we watch you blink and squirm at every awkward joke. Especially when Deborah is up on screen.”

“What’s that? You’re exhausted by the constant current of office small talk? Why don’t you join our mid-morning coffee group?”

Your company was last seen listing itself as a disability confident employer – as in, confidently fucking you over.

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