An autistic woman has officially become the first person to ever to out-negotiate Satan, it has been reported.
Paige Thomas, 45, has claimed that she entered into negotiations with the Prince of Darkness in good faith – but talks over the terms of her soul quickly deteriorated.
Thomas explained: “I was a bit pre-menstrual, and just said I’d sell my soul for a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, and next thing I knew there was this sulphurous stench. I was about to blame the dog, when I saw this red bloke standing in front of me.”
“I thought about telling him I hadn’t really meant the thing about my soul, but then I realised that would be going back on my word,” she continued. “I’d rather go through an eternity of torture than have someone think I was being dishonest. So I asked him for a look at the contract.”
Thomas, who has no formal legal training but developed a special interest in contract law following Taylor Swift’s dispute with her former record label, said she was broadly happy with the deal, but just had to check a couple of minor points, if it wasn’t too inconvenient – no worries if not.
The ensuing negotiations lasted three months, and have ended in a decisive victory for Thomas. “I’m pretty sure that at this point the contract says that she gets to keep her soul, gets mine as well, and has dominion over all the kingdoms of the Earth,” said Lucifer Morningstar, 6028, “but at this point, I just want it to be over.”
Thomas, on the other hand, is disappointed with the outcome. “I wouldn’t say I won,” she says, “I never did get the ice cream, just some chocolate soup. He said it melted from the heat in Hell. I should have known not to trust someone called the Father of Lies.”
Like what you’ve read so far? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky TikTok, Threads and Facebook and subscribing to our Patreon for exclusive content that’ll have your neurotypical family saying “I’m not sure I’m the target audience”.
