People claiming to have athleticism are just putting it on for attention, an investigation by The Daily Tism can reveal.
Undercover journalist Paige Thomas, 37, said: “Initially our reporters attempted an undercover operation to test our hypothesis that people with athleticism are big stupid fakers because WE can’t make our bodies do that, and therefore nobody can.”
“The operation, however, was cut short after our journalists proved inexplicably unsuccessful at impersonating elite athletes,” Thomas continued. “But the behind-the-scenes picture we managed to glimpse shortly before being dragged away by security strongly confirmed our suspicions of social contagion, often resulting in horrifying cult-like practices called ‘competitive sports.’”
Advocates for the athletic community strongly disagree with our allegations. Athleticism Mum Karen Hoyland, 51, responded: “You lot are so ignorant. My son has athleticism and he’ll never lead a normal life.”
Thomas’ brother-in-law, who came second to last at his Year Seven sports day – and who wasn’t asked for comment – commented: “Aren’t we all a bit athletic?”
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