In an announcement that has stunned the nation’s right-wing dickheads, experts have vowed to identify the causes of reading The Daily Mail by the end of the month.
The collection of words and pictures, which technically qualifies as a “newspaper” despite containing more shrieking than actual news, today reported that “experts” led by R.F.K. Jr will be investigating the causes of autism, prompting actual experts to investigate the causes of The Daily Mail’s readership.
Sociologist Dr. Noriko Hazamaki explained: “The causes of Daily Mail readers are varied and complex. While some people are simply mild Daily Mail readers, falling victim to the occasional clickbait headline, others are quite severely afflicted.”
“There isn’t much research into what triggers profound Daily Mail readership,” Dr. Hazamaki continued. “But what we do know is it’s to do with the toxins in their stupid fucking opinions. How they developed those opinions is the real question – unfortunately at this time there’s no vaccine and no cure for being a cunt.”
“Sadly in the absence of more information, low-functioning Daily Mail readers will likely never live a normal life, instead feeding off the misery of others and a vague unspecified fear that immigrants are going to do something scary.”
“We do have behavioural therapies to treat Daily Mail readership,” added Dr. Hazamaki. “But they have been called cruel by critics who claim it’s inhumane to deprive them of international cuisine until they stop being racist wankgibbons.”
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