Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame.
Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper on the subject. Because people with letters after their names are allowed to say whatever sensationalist claptrap they want, Port’s “findings” have attracted legions of crunchy parents ready to floss their kids into oblivion.
Port said: “I’ve got three patients who are autistic and don’t floss – sounds like proof to me. And I went to teeth school, so I know everything about brains.”
“Everyone knows that correlation might as well equal causation, and science is whatever you tell the general public it is,” Port continued. “While you’re hung up on woke nonsense like ‘peer review’ and ‘scientific integrity’, the Cool Science Boys and I are sipping margaritas by the pool, raking in that sweet, sweet eugenics dollar.”
“Vaccines are old hat! We need a new spurious claim about autism, and I’m just the educated con-artist to deliver it. Now pass me my drill and let’s have a look at that cerebellum.”
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