The Government has announced a bold, innovative and low-key evil approach to SEND funding for school students, the Education Secretary revealed yesterday.

As part of measures to protect the nation’s most valuable resource – its money – minister Karen Hoyland, 42, announced the construction of a £4Bn Thunderdome, where children with autism will earn their educational support by “duking it out to the death”.

Announcing the reform, Hoyland said: “This government will provide young people with autism with the opportunity to get out in the great outdoors, test their limits, and to experience a live version of the popular children’s work: The Hunger Games!”

“This is a rare opportunity for them to be Katniss Everdeen, or Peeta Mellark, or – more likely – one of those other characters whose noble sacrifice helps lift the others to victory. While this won’t tell us much about which children need the most educational support, it will be very entertaining for me, personally.”

Full plans for the Games have not been finalised at the time of publication, but Hoyland teased several details:

  • Children will be divided into two groups: “targeted”, and “targeted plus”, which reportedly refers to the size of the bullseye on their backs.
  • There will be a game called “bridge the disadvantage gap”, and there are rumours of a pit of spikes, which Hoyland was quick to explain does NOT represent spiky learning skillsets, as she doesn’t believe in those.
  • Each child will be provided with a “specialist provision package” containing things like coloured overlays, which is hoped will assist them to defeat the rampaging baboons. 

Parent Becky Armitage, 38, commented: “Yeah, this is about what we’d expect from the UK government. In the last few weeks I’ve had to show my fanny to be able to take a piss in the women’s toilets, and I’ve competed in hand-to-hand combat in Squid Game to be entitled to a Blue Badge.”

Minister Hoyland concluded: “Aside from the obvious financial benefits, the efforts of educating SEND pupils will be reduced to almost nothing, and the one lucky winner will have their full educational needs met. Well, until they have to be reassessed in a few years’ time!”

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