Productive! Autistic woman spends entire work day perfecting email sign-off
An autistic woman has spent the best part of six-and-a-half hours drafting a work email – and is reportedly still at it, sources have claimed. Beth Hapworth, 29, from Barnsley, has concluded the way to appear “normal” in all written exchanges is by microanalysing every...
Society to consider taking insanely accomplished autistic woman seriously
Society has promised to have a “proper think” about taking an autistic woman with a ludicrous number of achievements seriously, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 34, who is a bestselling author, BAFTA-winning screenwriter and Nobel Prize winner, was reportedly delighted to discover that her...
Inspiring! Autistic woman dedicates entire life to pointing out typos
In an altruistic move, an autistic woman has quit her job as an orthodontist to become a full-time corrector of other people’s mistakes. Emma Bernard, 38, first took up pedantry as a hobby, but has recently decided that life is too short not to spend...
Tragic! Autistic woman dies after making wildly inappropriate joke
An autistic woman has died on her arse following yet another gag unsuitable for her workplace, it has been confirmed. Niamh Montague, 29, from Hull, was sitting in the shared office during the Friday afternoon conversation – which had previously included topics such as Tricia...
Autistic woman fine with horror films freaked out by terse sounding email
An autistic woman who can cope with the head-spinning scene from The Exorcist (1973) has been left fearing for her life after receiving an email response that seemed slightly clipped, according to reports. Sources say Siobhan Moorton, 31, spotted the message in her inbox this...
Boss who accommodates autism also suggests dropping it off at nursery
Worried about bringing your autism to the office? A local employer has come up with a genius solution, reports confirm. Paige Thomas, 29, from Ormskirk, had initially feared her adult autism diagnosis wouldn’t be welcome at her place of work. Fortunately, though, her new line...
Autistic woman who thinks she’s boss’s new best friend actually being micromanaged
An autistic woman being excessively supervised at work has understood the situation somewhat differently, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 25, from Wigan, was thrilled when her boss started scheduling regular “catch-ups”, interpreting it as a sign they were “really hitting it off as mates.”...
Autistic person unsure when they became office therapist
An autistic person is unsure when it became standard practice for their colleagues to come to their office for a good cry, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 29, had initially thought their admin job entailed admin-related tasks – but quickly discovered they were wrong. They...
Hats off! Workplace officially recognised as autism unfriendly
A company has won a prestigious award for being completely inaccessible to autistic people. “I was blown away by the glaring lighting and below average chatter,” said chief executive Gavin Monks, 39, who presented the certificate during a ceremony. “Along with the overly elaborate processes...
Autistic child’s career prospects “greatly improved” by parents posting meltdowns online
An autistic child has issued a statement thanking his parents for increasing his future employment prospects by constantly posting videos of his most vulnerable and private moments on the Internet. Finley Rice, seven, said: “My parents have been working tirelessly to build me a brand...
