Autistic woman’s best version of herself is The Sims version of herself
An autistic woman has been distraught to discover that the best version of herself only exists within a life-simulation video game, it has been announced. Sarah Harrow, 24, from Nantwich, boasts to prospective employers that she owns three properties, five Birthday Hot Tubs and has...
Fifth exclamation mark successfully compensates for social skills
A fifth exclamation mark has successfully masked an autistic man’s social awkwardness, it has been confirmed. Ryan Wilkins, 34, who struggles to compose work emails without sounding like a regency gentleman challenging a rival to a duel, recently decided that five exclamation points were the...
Kinky! This autistic woman fantasises about earning a living wage
An autistic woman has confessed to frequently fantasising about making enough money to survive, sources have claimed. Certified freak Paige Thomas, 28, becomes extremely aroused whenever she imagines herself in a position of relative financial stability. Her most perverse fantasies include having a roof over...
Outlier! Newly diagnosed autistic woman has no plans to write memoir
A woman who very recently discovered she is autistic has today made the shocking announcement that she has no imminent plans to write an autobiography. Siobhan Moorton, a white middle-class woman who was diagnosed as autistic last month at the age of 30, has defied...
Agoraphobic autistic woman rebrands as mysterious recluse
An autistic woman with a debilitating fear of leaving her house has managed by cultivating a reputation for herself as a notorious recluse, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, who only leaves home to go to the GP or take out the recycling, has...
Miracle! Autistic woman answers “how are you?” and barely mentions explosive poops
An autistic woman whose colleague politely enquired about her well-being has somehow responded without going into traumatic detail about last night’s poop attack, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 32, was greeted by in the usual manner receptionist by Jack Harrington, 26, when she arrived...
New Year’s resolution! Autistic person proposes Meet-Free Mondays
An autistic person has confirmed their New Year’s resolution is adopting “Meet-Free Mondays”, according to reports. Jay Chester, 34, from Preston, said: “I’ve gave up eating animals ages ago. This is about me enjoying my Richmond meat-free sausages in a solitary space where nobody else...
“No, but really!” Autistic woman only person whose negative self-talk is true
An autistic woman is the only person in the world whose negative self-talk is based in reality, said autistic woman has announced. Beth Hapworth, 37, recognises that imposter syndrome is a thing – but has explained that she doesn’t have it, as she is, in...
Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
Autistic hypnotist: “look around my eyes”
An autistic hypnotist has reasonably adjusted his job role by masking his lack of eye contact with clever trickery, it has been rumoured. Anand Trivedi, 49, manages to avoid making eye contact with his subjects by looking between, or around, their eyeballs. Trivedi explained: “They...
