Non-autistic friend who cancelled plans apologises for causing untold joy
A non-autistic friend who cancelled plans is really sorry to give you five hours of your delicious routine back, it has been rumoured. Before postponing indefinitely, Kelsey Dacey, 31, was scheduled to meet you for a coffee at 11am on Saturday – at the exact...
I see beyond her autism, says woman staring at girlfriend’s tits
A woman who bravely met an autistic woman for a drink realised there was much more to her than her autism when she noticed something else first: an absolutely impeccable rack. When Beth Hapworth, 28, first noticed her date Emma Bernard, 33, across the bar,...
Autistic child who “can’t express love” to parents declares undying devotion to cat
An autistic child whose parents claim is “incapable of showing affection” regularly hugs and kisses her cat, Trevor, it has been rumoured. Avery Rice, seven, was diagnosed as autistic after her parents noticed she wasn’t achieving regular milestones – such as looking them in the...
Romance! How to plan an autistic date that’ll make the neurotypicals say “n’aaaaaaaw”
If two autistic people go on a date and no neurotypicals are around to gawk at them like they’re at a petting zoo, did it even happen? Set the mood with insipid music meant for toddlers Nothing gets two autistic adults in the mood like...
Social interaction doomed to failure after dress rehearsal goes too well
An autistic man is dreading an upcoming trip to the pub after practising in the mirror went ominously well, it has been rumoured. Ryan Wilkins, 38, has been on edge about the upcoming casual beer with his university friend, Lucas Fletcher, 39, since they put...
Love rat! Autistic man cheats on long-term T-shirt
An autistic man’s T-shirt is devastated to discover that after five years of exclusivity, its owner has purchased a second one, sources have revealed. The black cotton T-shirt had recently celebrated five happy years with autistic man, Dexter Livingstone, 29, but was left “shocked and...
Hope for recently dumped autistic woman as she finally reaches ugly-sobbing-to-Taylor-Swift stage of grief
A newly dumped autistic woman’s friends have expressed optimism about her recovery, as she was overheard bawling her eyes out to the new Taylor Swift album. Paige Thomas, 25, first streamed The Tortured Poets Department LP several days after she was left by now-ex-boyfriend, Dexter...
Five illnesses to give your unvaccinated children that are WAY better than autism
As a parent it’s only natural to be concerned about that one discredited academic paper from 1998 linking vaccines to autism. On the whole, most of us would agree we’d rather have a child with a higher risk of death than one that’s kind of...
Autistic woman whose friend forgot they were meeting up has been waiting at Clapham Junction for three months
An autistic woman whose friend never showed up to their pre-arranged hangout three months ago is still waiting outside the Accessorize at Clapham Junction station ‘just in case’, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 25, was due to meet Paige Thomas, 24, at 11.45am on...
Heartbreak! Autistic woman unsure how to tell special interest she’s fallen out of love with it
An autistic woman is just going through the motions with her special interest because she doesn’t have the heart to tell it the spark is gone, sources have confirmed. Freya Emerson, 30, and her long-term hyperfixation, dinosaurs, 225 million, have reportedly been growing apart lately,...
