Autistic person who hates to be touched clings to one chosen individual like they’re made of Velcro®
An autistic person with an intense aversion to human touch nonetheless wishes to be touching one specific human at all times, it has been claimed. Kit McGodden, 39, has spent their life ducking and weaving to avoid hugs at social gatherings. They once feigned uncontrollable...
Boyfriend indistinguishable from fidget toy
An autistic woman’s boyfriend reportedly does everything a fidget spinner can – and everything it can’t. Ryan Wilkins, 33, allegedly has many excellent qualities or something, but most importantly he is a portable collection of pleasing surfaces and textures that are fun to play with,...
Talented! Autistic woman forgets everything about her partner just in time for gift-buying season
An autistic woman who has adored her partner for the best part of the last decade is tragically unable to convey her affection through the medium of gifts, sources have reported. Miya Wilkes, 31, can still recite the 15-digit code on the library card that...
Solicitous question leads to existential dread
A perfectly innocent question has led to the complete unravelling of an autistic man’s sense of self, it has been claimed. Anand Trivedi, 32, was reportedly minding his own business, sitting quietly and contemplating unresolved maritime mysteries, when he was cruelly dragged from his favourite...
Autistic woman enters marriage of convenience with takeaway delivery driver
An autistic woman has entered into an advantageous marriage with the man who delivers her thrice-weekly takeaways, it has been revealed. Chi-Young Lee, 24, chose 30-year-old Aidan Michaels as her suitor after he became her personal knight in shining armour, riding in on his motorbike...
Autistic woman doesn’t know how to tell boyfriend she wants to wear his skin without it sounding weird
An autistic woman overwhelmed with love for her boyfriend isn’t sure how to express that love without sounding like Hannibal Lecter, sources have said. Abeer Zaki, 28, loves Cameron Brereton, 32, more than life itself, but no words seem sufficient to tell him how much...
Autistic couple keen to assert that neither of them is the big spoon
An autistic couple have issued a joint public statement clarifying that neither of them has ever been, currently are, or plan to be, the big spoon. Alix Gardner and Des Ackerman, both 29, held a press conference yesterday to assert that there is no room...
Autistic woman assesses prospective partners for gnawability
An autistic woman evaluates potential partners by making sure they are pleasant enough to chew on, it has been reported. Mary Walker, 34, has been on several dates, but has yet to find someone with the right sort of body composition to be a living,...
Two autistics making eye contact cause entire cosmos to shift
A pair of autistic lovers have caused a celestial disturbance following a “once-in-a-generation” ocular alignment, astrophysicists have said. Professor Natasha Weaving, who made the discovery, has reportedly been left “stunned” by the revelation that seemingly inconsequential human occurrences can materially alter the fabric of existence. ...
Autistic woman enjoying herself on date wonders what the catch is
An autistic woman having a wonderful time on a date has become increasingly suspicious after failing to detect anything wrong with it, according to reports. Beth Hapworth, 27, became wary of 26-year-old Noah Fields over the course of their dinner date after he revealed himself...
