Women in male fields! This female autism researcher hates women
A prominent autism researcher has reportedly proven she can shit on autistic women as well as any man in the field. In a recent interview, Professor Karen Hoyland argued that women who claim to be autistic are just angling for a diagnosis, since researchers like...
Autistic woman’s flirting “visible from space” confirms NASA
Astronauts working on the International Space Station were dazzled by a sudden burst of flirting so bright that it briefly illuminated most of Shropshire, NASA has reported. The rare phenomenon was spotted by astronaut Paige Thomas, 38, who initially thought the disturbance in the atmosphere...
Reverse lie-in? Autistic woman goes to bed so early it’s still last week
An autistic woman who loves her bed with the ardour usually reserved for a new romantic partner has accidentally broken the concept of time, scientists have revealed. Siobhan Moorton, 35, has always been tucked up in her jammies with a mug of cocoa by 9pm,...
First autism study to take place without any autistic people called a “bloody relief” by researchers
A groundbreaking new autism study has reportedly taken place without any autistic people involved at all – to the relief of its researchers. The study, entitled “Why are they like that?”, seeks to investigate the causes of autism as conjectured by the highly opinionated loved...
Scientist’s attempt at creating sentient life backfires: “Oh, crap, I made him autistic”
A scientist’s attempt at playing God has gone awry after the man he reanimated turned out to be autistic, it has been revealed. Victor Frankenstein, 40, had managed to create life in the form of a grotesque humanoid figure, but realised he’d celebrated too early...
Autism assessment frogs the last thing autistics see before they die, scientists confirm
A groundbreaking study has reportedly discovered that the flying frogs from the ADOS assessment appear to autistic people before they die. The study found that the frogs from the book Tuesday, used in the standard autism assessment, appear to autistic people in their final moments....
Study finds only thing worse than being ignored is being perceived
The only thing worse than nobody noticing you is somebody acknowledging your stupid, embarrassing existence, a study has revealed. The study, conducted by researchers who had reportedly “run out of ideas”, showed that while going through life feeling invisible is painful, it’s nowhere near as...
Science! Autistic person discovers solving one anxiety spawns 14 new ones
An autistic person has made the groundbreaking discovery that resolving the source of one anxiety causes at least 14 new ones to pop up, like adding water to a Gremlin, it has been announced. Eli Port, 41, made the breakthrough after their boss asking them...
Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
Experts warn autism acceptance may lead to actually respecting the buggers
Experts have cautioned the general public about the dangers of autism acceptance, warning that it may lead to autistic people being treated like human beings. Ffiona Maw, from the anti-disability charity Nope, and Professor Jay Chester, who rubs his hands together like a Scooby Doo...
