First autism study to take place without any autistic people called a “bloody relief” by researchers
A groundbreaking new autism study has reportedly taken place without any autistic people involved at all – to the relief of its researchers. The study, entitled “Why are they like that?”, seeks to investigate the causes of autism as conjectured by the highly opinionated loved...
Scientist’s attempt at creating sentient life backfires: “Oh, crap, I made him autistic”
A scientist’s attempt at playing God has gone awry after the man he reanimated turned out to be autistic, it has been revealed. Victor Frankenstein, 40, had managed to create life in the form of a grotesque humanoid figure, but realised he’d celebrated too early...
Autism assessment frogs the last thing autistics see before they die, scientists confirm
A groundbreaking study has reportedly discovered that the flying frogs from the ADOS assessment appear to autistic people before they die. The study found that the frogs from the book Tuesday, used in the standard autism assessment, appear to autistic people in their final moments....
Study finds only thing worse than being ignored is being perceived
The only thing worse than nobody noticing you is somebody acknowledging your stupid, embarrassing existence, a study has revealed. The study, conducted by researchers who had reportedly “run out of ideas”, showed that while going through life feeling invisible is painful, it’s nowhere near as...
Science! Autistic person discovers solving one anxiety spawns 14 new ones
An autistic person has made the groundbreaking discovery that resolving the source of one anxiety causes at least 14 new ones to pop up, like adding water to a Gremlin, it has been announced. Eli Port, 41, made the breakthrough after their boss asking them...
Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
Experts warn autism acceptance may lead to actually respecting the buggers
Experts have cautioned the general public about the dangers of autism acceptance, warning that it may lead to autistic people being treated like human beings. Ffiona Maw, from the anti-disability charity Nope, and Professor Jay Chester, who rubs his hands together like a Scooby Doo...
Autistic women “chameleon-like” due to their long sticky tongues, say experts
Autistic women are indeed like “chameleons” but for rather different reasons than initially thought, experts have discovered. The average autistic woman is believed to have a tongue length of at least 10 to 12 feet, roughly twice the length of their body, and is thought...
Spectrum 10k: “And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling autistics”
The minds behind the now-cancelled Spectrum 10k project are really quite ticked off that their totally non-creepy plan to collect autistic DNA has been scuppered by a gang of scrappy autistics, it has been rumoured. The project, which asked autistic subjects for their saliva for...
Autistic women chameleons if chameleons couldn’t blend in for shit, experts admit
Despite autistic women being commonly compared to the colour-changing reptile, most of them can’t actually socially camouflage to save their lives, researchers have admitted. “Autistic women are often likened to chameleons,” autism expert Dr. Karen Hoyland explained: “That is, if a chameleon got into a...
