Autistic hypnotist: “look around my eyes”
An autistic hypnotist has reasonably adjusted his job role by masking his lack of eye contact with clever trickery, it has been rumoured. Anand Trivedi, 49, manages to avoid making eye contact with his subjects by looking between, or around, their eyeballs. Trivedi explained: “They...
Productive! Autistic woman spends entire work day perfecting email sign-off
An autistic woman has spent the best part of six-and-a-half hours drafting a work email – and is reportedly still at it, sources have claimed. Beth Hapworth, 29, from Barnsley, has concluded the way to appear “normal” in all written exchanges is by microanalysing every...
AuDHD man forgets where he buried Lego for winter
An auDHD man who recently buried his Lego for winter now can’t remember where he bloody put it, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 31, used spatial memory and landmarks such as trees to remember where he had stored his bricks – but immediately forgot...
Thank fuck! Autistic woman discovers dentist can’t actually arrest her
An autistic woman has expressed relief at discovering that her dentist does not have powers of arrest, despite the tone of his reminder messages. Freya Emerson, 42, described a sense of panic upon receiving several ominous communications from dentist Robert Noot, 55, alerting her that...
Neurodivergent ally! School bully clarifies she never specifically made fun of your autism
The girl who bullied you mercilessly throughout primary school has clarified that it had nothing to do with your autism. Neurodiversity champion Niamh Callaghan, 30, decided to set the record straight when she realised you were in front of her in the queue at the Post...
Bangy ‘Splodey season replaced with Blinky Flashy season
Neurotypicals have concluded the season of loud bangs and ‘splosions and have commenced the season of blinking, flashing lights everywhere, it has been announced. In accordance, the clocks have changed to Blinky Flashy Time (BFT) from Bangy ‘Splodey Time (BST). Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 48,...
Artificial unintelligence? Autistic woman pretends to be less smart
An autistic woman has revealed the key to building social relationships is pretending she doesn’t know stuff, according to reports. Siobhan Moorton, 37, from Gawsworth, has honed the art of feigning total ignorance about specialist subjects she’s spent years learning about – in an attempt...
“I’m a bit OCD” claims woman who has to a bit avoid cracks in pavement or family will a bit die
A woman who has insisted she’s “a bit OCD” is – in fact – not. Karen Hoyland, 46, made the comment to explain why she likes things neat and tidy – but after being challenged by an actual OCD sufferer, has doubled down on her...
Wow! Autistic woman so socially adept she doesn’t even need small talk
An autistic woman has proven to be that gifted at socialising that she goes straight in for the overshare, according to reports. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Cheadle, has insisted that the lack of small talk isn’t due to a deficiency in her social skillset – but...
Festive spirit! Autistic woman begins preparing office Christmas party excuses
An autistic woman is already crafting her needlessly elaborate excuse for why she can’t attend her office Christmas do, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 33, from Slough, could absolutely attend the annual work Christmas buffet if she wanted to – but would simply prefer...
