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    News

    Autistic woman’s movie night ruined by volume being on odd number that’s not even a multiple of five  

    An autistic woman’s movie night has been wrecked by the volume being set to 21, sources have revealed. Emma Bernard, 38, had been looking forward to a classic movie marathon with friends, but found herself unable to enjoy the evening after someone (Becky) incorrectly set...
    Sara Gibbs, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic Goldilocks rejects bears’ porridge due to needing very particular spoon 

    An autistic woman has declined three bowls of porridge belonging to three bears due to requiring a specific spoon to eat them with, it has been reported. The woman, 21, a petty criminal from Sherwood, known only by her gang nickname, Goldilocks, allegedly snuck in...
    Elsa Williams, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    Lifestyle, News

    “I’m just going to veg out on my sofa today” says autistic man who just vegges out on sofa every day  

    An autistic man who announced plans to “have a chilled one on the couch today” neglected to mention that he has a chilled one on the couch every day, it has been rumoured.  Dexter Livingstone, 37, claimed that he needed the rest after a long...
    Sara Gibbs, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic woman to apologise for apologising until she runs out of oxygen  

    Concerns are growing for an autistic woman’s oxygen supplies as she enters a third day of her perpetual apology loop, emergency services have said.  Beth Hapworth, 21, initially apologised to girlfriend Emma Bernard, 23, for Bernard’s period pains. On being told “you don’t need to...
    Sara Gibbs, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Organised! Woman already in touch with therapist after family Christmas 

    An autistic woman has already contacted her therapist to arrange a session after spending Christmas in her childhood home, reports have indicated. Miya Wilkes, 29, made the decision to return to her hometown of Runcorn during the festive period, in the vague hope that it...
    Elsa Williams, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    News, Work

    New Year’s resolution! Autistic person proposes Meet-Free Mondays 

    An autistic person has confirmed their New Year’s resolution is adopting “Meet-Free Mondays”, according to reports. Jay Chester, 34, from Preston, said: “I’ve gave up eating animals ages ago. This is about me enjoying my Richmond meat-free sausages in a solitary space where nobody else...
    Elsa Williams, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Fucked it! Autistic woman hurls 2025 diary into volcano after making minor error on first page 

    An autistic woman has insisted she has “absolutely fucked it” after making a slight spelling mistake on the first page of her 2025 diary, sources have confirmed. Natasha Weaving, 34, from Rhyl, had just written down a resolution to be more “environmentally friendly” in the...
    Elsa Williams, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    Fashion, News

    Tragic! New Year’s Eve dress that makes you look the hottest hurts the most 

    An autistic woman has been left “distraught” after discovering that a New Year’s outfit that makes her look as “fit as fuck” absolutely kills, according to sources. Paige Thomas, 26, from Fazakerley, had optimistically ordered the sequinned wrap mini-dress in the Boxing Day sales –...
    Elsa Williams, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    2025! Non-autistics convinced arbitrary date change will fix everything  

    Allistic people have expressed excitement that humanity will magically reset itself on the first of January, it has been announced.  In a statement released today, neurotypicals conveyed their relief that “this horrible year is nearly over,” asserting the belief that an arbitrary change in year...
    Sara Gibbs, 6 months ago 1 min read  
    Fashion, News

    Cartoon character? Autistic woman just wears the one outfit 

    Despite owning an entire wardrobe full of clothes, an autistic woman continues to opt for the same outfit daily – for reasons that continue to remain a mystery. Krista Shure, 31, from Cheshire, picks her favourite pair of skinny jeans and white cotton T-shirt every...
    Elsa Williams, 6 months ago 1 min read  
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