In breaking news, the DSM-5 has been updated in the last 24 hours to include plausible deniability for Gregg Wallace, specifically.
The manual, used by psychologists to diagnose a range of conditions and neurodivergences, previously mentioned that autistic people can experience sensory issues – but now claims that autistic people are physically incapable of wearing underwear, especially if they’ve been accused of sexual harassment and their name is Greg Wallace.
Clinical psychologist Liz McHodge, 49, said: “It was the weirdest thing. I opened my copy of the DSM-5 this morning and someone had hastily scrawled an addendum about how for people named Gregg Wallace can’t wear briefs, for sensory reasons. They can, however, wear a sock over their penis, which is a completely comfortable experience.”
“It’s somewhat unorthodox to have non-peer-reviewed updates to diagnostic criteria added with no oversight,” McHodge continued. “Especially when they’re written in crayon. But hey – gotta do what the manual says.”
According to rumours, Wallace may be planning legal action against the BBC, who knew about his condition, yet failed to provide him with adequate protection, like a rugby player’s groin cup or a fig leaf.
Wallace could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly busy trying to find a way to blame groping on stimming.
Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky TikTok and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon.
You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.
