A local man believes autistic people are “faking it” in a bid to take away the abundant riches promised to him by the government, sources have said.
Paul Shinter, 49, says that the UK government has lots of cash it wants to distribute to the hardworking people of Britain, but that those dastardly benefits claimants have drained the budget dry. Shinter blames older people and the disabled population for being so needy and taking away precious fixing-potholes-and-doing-war-crimes money.
Shinter said: “Don’t you think it’s funny how everyone’s suddenly autistic? They just want that fat £3k-a-week pay-packet from His Majesty’s coffers so they can sit around playing Xbox and being pansexual. Makes me sick.”
“Meanwhile, I’ve been working 50-hour weeks all my life and I still can’t afford to live on my own. It’s definitely these autistic people’s fault.”
Shinter then expressed gratitude that the media is trying to keep him safe from threats like disabled people. “You know what they’re doing? They’re changing ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ to ‘Baa Baa Multiply-Neurodivergent Sheep’! There won’t be gingerbread men anymore, just gingerbread she/hers and they/thems with chocolate septum piercings!”
Shinter was last seen trying – and failing – to have an independent thought.
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