Autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand just same old suffering with new haircut
An autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand has failed to alter her miserable existence apart from making her hair look slightly different, eyewitnesses have claimed. Pippa Durham, 33, who experiences the urge to become a completely different person every three months, genuinely thought she could overhaul her...
Autistic woman has baseline anxiety level of Hunger Games contestant
An autistic woman’s baseline anxiety level is identical to that of a contestant in The Hunger Games, according to sources. Krista Shure, 22, is plagued by constant fear and dread, much like a plucky literary heroine being forced to fight to the death in a...
Autistic woman’s fictional boyfriend breaks up with her for her own good
An autistic woman has been left distraught after her fictional boyfriend ended their one-sided imaginary relationship, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 29, was enjoying an intense whirlwind romance with fictional vampire Robert Noot, 9254, the protagonist of her favourite fantasy book series, when he...
Experts warn autism acceptance may lead to actually respecting the buggers
Experts have cautioned the general public about the dangers of autism acceptance, warning that it may lead to autistic people being treated like human beings. Ffiona Maw, from the anti-disability charity Nope, and Professor Jay Chester, who rubs his hands together like a Scooby Doo...
Autistic woman receives Mother’s Day cards from everyone she has ever dated
An autistic woman has received an influx of Mother’s Day cards from every ex who treated her like a surrogate mother, according to sources. Siobhan Moorton, 36, has never had a child of her own – yet has helped to raise numerous adult children who...
Autistic woman in need of therapy as long as she continues having parents
An autistic woman is expected to need therapy for as long as she continues having parents, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 29, has been going to therapy ever since she learned that other people don’t feel terrible all the time. Although she has made...
Autistic woman’s cat begs her to expand social circle
An autistic woman’s cat has reportedly begged her to expand her social circle after becoming concerned at her lack of human friends. Fudge Cake, seven, from Canvey Island, became worried about his owner, Emma Bernard, 29, after she told him he was “the only friend...
Autistic woman celebrates rare burst of energy by running herself into the ground again
An autistic woman experiencing a rare burst of energy has decided to mark the occasion by doing all the things that exhausted her in the first place. Navya Randhawa, 36, was recently forced to take a week off work following a debilitating episode of burnout...
Autistic toddler hitting all developmental milestones realises she’s inadvertently fucked it
An autistic toddler who has hit all of her developmental milestones on time has realised she may have unintentionally shot herself in the foot. Lottie Fitzgerald, three, displays a number of typical autistic traits – although her attempts at mimicking neurotypical communication have completely fooled...
Kinky! This autistic woman fantasises about earning a living wage
An autistic woman has confessed to frequently fantasising about making enough money to survive, sources have claimed. Certified freak Paige Thomas, 28, becomes extremely aroused whenever she imagines herself in a position of relative financial stability. Her most perverse fantasies include having a roof over...
