“This party’s a bit shit, isn’t it?”: the sexiest things you can say to your autistic partner, ranked
If you’ve got an autistic partner, chances are their raw sexual magnetism makes it hard to think about anything other than jumping their vitamin-D-deficient bones. But if you’re looking to spice things up in a way that won’t aggravate your paramour’s gut issues, The Daily...
Teacher who told autistic child to “speak up” really beginning to regret it
A teacher who encouraged an autistic child to speak up more in class is beginning to question the wisdom of that directive, it has been reported. Abeer Zaki, seven, was described as “quiet” in her last school report by teacher Eddie Albington, 46, who reportedly...
Hell yeah! Undiagnosed parents really killing it with the casual ableism lately
An autistic woman’s undiagnosed parents have really been smashing the internalised-ableism-fuelled microaggressions lately, sources have said. Mary Moorton, 60, has reportedly been incredible at asking 30-year-old daughter Siobhan whether she’ll be able to cope “with the big wide world” even though she can’t touch dirty...
Monster under autistic man’s bed actually a little worried about him
The scary monster living under an autistic man’s bed has reportedly got some concerns of its own, according to sources. Nightmare-being Graeme, an eldritch horror comprised of grasping, clutching shadow, has been living under 31-year-old Dexter Livingstone’s bed since they were both children. However, Graeme...
Gift of teddy bear holding giant love heart could honestly mean anything
The gift of a teddy bear holding a massive fuck-off plush heart on Valentine’s Day could honestly be interpreted in a number of ways, according to you. Although you reportedly understand that the bear, a golden-furred little fellow with a squidgy velvet heart stitched to...
Autistic woman’s support network consists of friends doing equally badly
An autistic woman’s social support mostly comes from people who are just as fucked as she is, eyewitnesses have said. Paige Thomas, 29, has reportedly formed a network of people she can lean on in troubled times, despite the fact that they are all as...
Quittin’ time! AuDHD person’s 24-hour life overhaul ruined before 9am
An AuDHD person who planned to change their entire life in a day has already ruined it with a single deviation from their vision, it has been rumoured. Des Ackerman, 40, was reportedly finally ready to clean their entire house, send the incredibly low-stakes texts...
Autistic woman experiencing pain-free five minutes growing suspicious
An autistic woman who has gone five minutes without any aches or pains is reportedly beginning to worry that something is deeply and mortally wrong. Siobhan Moorton, 23, almost always has some part of her body hurting thanks to a horrifying smorgasbord of comorbidities. However,...
Astronomers gather for once-in-a-lifetime glimpse of autistic woman sitting normally
Astronomers have gathered for a rare cosmic event – an autistic woman using a chair as intended, it has been reported. Ffiona Maw, 44, has rarely sat upright in a chair with her feet on the floor, instead hunching and twisting into the shape of...
Autistic woman who reads news still somehow thinks she’s the worst person on Earth
An autistic woman who stays up to date with current affairs still remains convinced that she’s worse than anyone in the world, sources have reported. Navya Randhawa, 40, keeps abreast of the horror show that is the present-day news cycle, and regularly reads about the...
