Autistic woman assesses prospective partners for gnawability
An autistic woman evaluates potential partners by making sure they are pleasant enough to chew on, it has been reported. Mary Walker, 34, has been on several dates, but has yet to find someone with the right sort of body composition to be a living,...
Autistic man’s groomsmen beg him to stop referring to them as “the Fellowship of the Ring”
An autistic man’s groomsmen have reportedly begged him to stop calling them ‘the Fellowship of the Ring’ amid concerns they will be forced to LARP against their will. When Robert Noot, 38, first named his wedding WhatsApp chat after the famous adventuring party from The...
Passé! Autistic woman’s new joint pain just a derivative cover of the old ones
An autistic woman’s new joint pain is just a pale imitation of her past joint pain, according to critics. Mandeep Kaur’s latest hit is an ache in her hips that worsens whenever she attempts to live, breathe or exist. Critics agree that the 47-year-old’s newest...
Autistic woman happy to be godmother unless it means interacting with child
An autistic woman would love to be godmother to your child as long as she doesn’t have to actually do anything for her, sources have said. Miya Wilkes, 35, makes sure to politely enquire after your daughter whenever the two of you catch up, but...
Checkmate! Autistic woman finally leaves her therapist speechless
An autistic woman has finally left her therapist speechless with a trauma dump that even he is powerless to respond to, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 29, has been seeing therapist Ben Espenson, 55, for three years, in which time he has helped her...
Autistic man at networking event covertly edging towards buffet table
An autistic man at a networking event is hoping no one has noticed him quietly edging towards the buffet table, according to reports. By some accident of fate, 26-year-old Jack Harrington has found himself at a networking drinks for sales professionals. Although the other attendees...
Autistic woman’s dog attracts other people, sadly
An autistic woman loves her dog – but not the attention he attracts from other people, it has been reported. Tricia Squire, 34, walks her five-year-old Samoyed, Chewy, twice a day, attracting constant attention from people eager to delay Squire’s walk on the baseless assumption...
Autistic woman owns three wearable outfits and 50 pipe-dreams
An autistic woman’s wardrobe consists of three things she can wear and about 50 she can’t, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 25, describes herself as a “shoptimist” with a penchant for itchy jumpers, trousers that are impossible to eat in, and dresses that could only...
Missing their milestones? Autistic girls haven’t dabbled in witchcraft yet
Two young autistic girls have raised concern after failing to show a healthy childhood interest in witchcraft typical for neurodivergent girls their age, sources have said. Twins Lottie and Niamh Fitzgerald, 11, are about to start secondary school, but neither of them have even made...
Autistic woman who didn’t hear what you said about to chance it with a laugh
An autistic woman with auditory processing disorder who didn’t hear what you just said is about to take a risk and assume it was a joke, sources have revealed. Christine Smout, 40, can barely process a single word you’re saying in the noisy, overcrowded pub...
