“Quiet” autistic cousin just conserving energy to destroy everyone at board games
A “quiet” autistic relative is just preparing to absolutely decimate their family at board games, it has been reported. Des Ackerman, 21, has been silently observing the Christmas festivities since they arrived at their grandparents’ house, leading relatives to comment that they seem especially reticent...
Christmas miracle! Autistic woman’s family falling-out might be for good this time
An autistic woman may, thankfully, never have to speak to her family again after an especially juicy festive falling-out, according to sources. A perfect storm of births, deaths and marriages has meant that 34-year-old Ellie Mulligan’s family has reached a critical mass of gay siblings,...
Red nose least of autistic reindeer’s worries
An autistic reindeer has far worse problems than his conspicuously red nose, it has been reported. Rudolph, who is several thousands of years old, sticks out like a sore thumb because of his huge shiny nose, but this reportedly pales in comparison to the pressures...
Dyspraxic woman somehow sustains third-degree burns while wrapping Christmas gifts
A dyspraxic woman has sustained multiple injuries just from wrapping her Christmas gifts, it has been revealed. Krista Shure, who has somehow made it to 33, reportedly attempted to make her gift wrapping look Pinterest-worthy after developing the creeping fear that her presents were entirely...
Deck the halls! Neighbours determined to have brighter, flashier autism than yours
Your neighbours have reportedly decided to engage in some serious one-upmanship this year by making their autism brighter and gaudier than yours. Talia and Lottie Fitzgerald, both 39, have spent the past three weeks decorating the exterior of their home with so much autism they...
Autistic woman fakes her own death to avoid receiving compliment
An autistic woman has faked her own death to escape an impeding compliment, it has been revealed. Deborah Whitehead, 40, had been braced to receive an unbearable level of praise after her partner hinted that he’d written her a heartfelt anniversary card. Believing the card...
Serving suggestion! Undiagnosed ADHD pairs perfectly with diagnosed depression
An autistic expert in co-occurring conditions has recommended undiagnosed ADHD as the ideal gourmet pairing for a diagnosis of depression, it has been reported. Comorbidity sommelier Sabheen Bhatt, 30, recommends the ADHD you’re pretty sure you have as an accompaniment to the depression you absolutely...
“In my villain era” says autistic woman who cries at first sign of conflict
An autistic woman who claims she has entered her badass, no-nonsense “villain era” actually bursts into tears at the first indication someone is less than pleased with her, according to sources. Chi-Young Lee, 29, swore to her friends that she was going to stop caring...
Autistic woman’s enamel pin badges unionise
An autistic woman’s ever-growing collection of enamel pin badges has reportedly formed a union to protest against poor working conditions and overcrowding. Abeer Zaki, 24, claims she is “obsessed” with buying quirky badges whenever she attends a convention or shops online, reportedly stemming from her...
Streeting nervously twirling telephone cord hoping RFK Jr will finally return his calls
Wes Streeting is currently waiting by the phone hoping fellow health secretary Robert Francis Kennedy Jr has finally noticed what a special little evil boy he is, according to political sources. Streeting, whose Wikipedia page falsely asserts he was born “in 1983” instead of “yesterday”,...
