Autistic woman struggles to define ‘sexually active’ without massively telling on herself
An autistic woman asked by her doctor whether she is sexually active reportedly has no idea how to answer the question without detailing her entire sexual history. Alma Montague, 30, was seeing doctor Christine Smout, 49, for a checkup when she was ambushed with the...
Autistic people are faking it for benefits, says man who thinks government wants to make him rich
A local man believes autistic people are “faking it” in a bid to take away the abundant riches promised to him by the government, sources have said. Paul Shinter, 49, says that the UK government has lots of cash it wants to distribute to the...
Autistic woman deceived by false promise of quiet train carriage
An autistic woman has been left devastated to discover that “quiet carriage” signs on trains are essentially meaningless, according to reports. Megan Aldrich, 34, booked a seat in the quiet carriage for her morning commute in the hope of preventing a severe case of sensory...
Eccentric dad has “no idea” where you got your autism from
Your dad, the most singularly unique individual you’ve ever met, reportedly has no idea where you got your autism from. Perhaps best known for helping to bring you into the world, your father owns seven identical shirts, shouts at people for eating crisps within earshot,...
Highly sensitive indigo child just glad she’s nothing like those autistics
A supernaturally gifted woman has expressed relief that her otherworldly powers can never be mistaken for something as mundane as autism, according to sources. Tricia Squire, 19, knows that her sensitivity to her environment and unique perspective on the world may seem like autistic traits,...
Autistic woman beginning to suspect spouse of 60 years has a thing for her
An autistic woman reportedly suspects she may have a secret admirer – the man she has been married to for six decades. Christine Smout, 84, caught her husband Anand, 81, sneaking glances at her across the kitchen table. She thought nothing of it at first,...
Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
Autistic woman who’s never tried drinking water really grateful for your input
An autistic woman is really grateful for your unsolicited advice and cannot wait to solve all her problems by just drinking some water, sources have revealed. Sarah Harrow, 39, has never tried to hydrate her autism away, but you, being the angel that you are,...
AuDHD woman simultaneously unstoppable force and immovable object
An AuDHD woman would make a groundbreaking contribution to the world if she were able to do anything at all, it has been reported. Sabeen Bhatt, 30, has mentally computed the answer to a previously unsolved physics problem, but, after 40 minutes of being stuck...
Autistic woman suspects baby didn’t actually write in her birthday card
An autistic woman has begun to question whether her eight-month-old nephew actually wrote a message in her birthday card, it has been reported. The message addressed to Karen Hoyland, 25, reads, “Happy birthday Aunty Karen! Lots of love from Finley”. Despite his father’s insistence, Hoyland...
