Autistic woman fakes her own death to avoid receiving compliment
An autistic woman has faked her own death to escape an impeding compliment, it has been revealed. Deborah Whitehead, 40, had been braced to receive an unbearable level of praise after her partner hinted that he’d written her a heartfelt anniversary card. Believing the card...
Serving suggestion! Undiagnosed ADHD pairs perfectly with diagnosed depression
An autistic expert in co-occurring conditions has recommended undiagnosed ADHD as the ideal gourmet pairing for a diagnosis of depression, it has been reported. Comorbidity sommelier Sabheen Bhatt, 30, recommends the ADHD you’re pretty sure you have as an accompaniment to the depression you absolutely...
“In my villain era” says autistic woman who cries at first sign of conflict
An autistic woman who claims she has entered her badass, no-nonsense “villain era” actually bursts into tears at the first indication someone is less than pleased with her, according to sources. Chi-Young Lee, 29, swore to her friends that she was going to stop caring...
Autistic woman’s enamel pin badges unionise
An autistic woman’s ever-growing collection of enamel pin badges has reportedly formed a union to protest against poor working conditions and overcrowding. Abeer Zaki, 24, claims she is “obsessed” with buying quirky badges whenever she attends a convention or shops online, reportedly stemming from her...
Streeting nervously twirling telephone cord hoping RFK Jr will finally return his calls
Wes Streeting is currently waiting by the phone hoping fellow health secretary Robert Francis Kennedy Jr has finally noticed what a special little evil boy he is, according to political sources. Streeting, whose Wikipedia page falsely asserts he was born “in 1983” instead of “yesterday”,...
Autistic woman can have work or dignity but not both
An autistic woman whose government is desperate for her to experience the “dignity of work” cannot experience “dignity” and “work” at the same time, it has been claimed. Megan Aldrich, 30, works full time in an attempt to avoid starving to death, but is forced...
Autistic woman left at the altar just glad she’s got the afternoon free now
An autistic woman who has been left at the altar at her wedding is quietly relieved to have the time back, according to witnesses. Talia Cohen, 34, was jilted by her husband-to-be Gavin Monks, 34, after he revealed he had been having second thoughts. Cohen...
“You’ve only got mild autism” says mild twat
A complete and utter cockwomble has reportedly appointed themselves as an expert in your personal circumstances, deciding in their infinite wisdom that your autism is “only mild”. Local fucktrumpet Natasha Weaving, 39, whose concept of autism is limited to The Big Bang Theory and the...
Autistic woman’s “best friend” was not informed
An autistic woman’s best friend in the entire world has been completely unaware of her title this whole time, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 19, reportedly considers Krista Shure, 20, her sister from another mister, but the first Shure heard of it was in a...
Autistic woman delighted to discover feigning period still gets her out of sports
An autistic woman has discovered that faking your period to get out of sports still works years after secondary school, according to sources. Ima Onwugbenu, 39, was recently invited to play squash by her work colleague, 35-year-old Ryan Wilkins. Worried she’d be talked into it,...
