Eccentric dad has “no idea” where you got your autism from
Your dad, the most singularly unique individual you’ve ever met, reportedly has no idea where you got your autism from. Perhaps best known for helping to bring you into the world, your father owns seven identical shirts, shouts at people for eating crisps within earshot,...
Highly sensitive indigo child just glad she’s nothing like those autistics
A supernaturally gifted woman has expressed relief that her otherworldly powers can never be mistaken for something as mundane as autism, according to sources. Tricia Squire, 19, knows that her sensitivity to her environment and unique perspective on the world may seem like autistic traits,...
Autistic woman beginning to suspect spouse of 60 years has a thing for her
An autistic woman reportedly suspects she may have a secret admirer – the man she has been married to for six decades. Christine Smout, 84, caught her husband Anand, 81, sneaking glances at her across the kitchen table. She thought nothing of it at first,...
Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
Autistic woman who’s never tried drinking water really grateful for your input
An autistic woman is really grateful for your unsolicited advice and cannot wait to solve all her problems by just drinking some water, sources have revealed. Sarah Harrow, 39, has never tried to hydrate her autism away, but you, being the angel that you are,...
AuDHD woman simultaneously unstoppable force and immovable object
An AuDHD woman would make a groundbreaking contribution to the world if she were able to do anything at all, it has been reported. Sabeen Bhatt, 30, has mentally computed the answer to a previously unsolved physics problem, but, after 40 minutes of being stuck...
Autistic woman suspects baby didn’t actually write in her birthday card
An autistic woman has begun to question whether her eight-month-old nephew actually wrote a message in her birthday card, it has been reported. The message addressed to Karen Hoyland, 25, reads, “Happy birthday Aunty Karen! Lots of love from Finley”. Despite his father’s insistence, Hoyland...
Disappointing! Sunflower lanyard tastes like shit
The sunflower lanyard for hidden disabilities makes for a thoroughly suboptimal chew toy, according to autistic people. The green and yellow lanyard – which allows you to play a sort of social Russian roulette with the general public – is not particularly pleasant to use...
Autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand just same old suffering with new haircut
An autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand has failed to alter her miserable existence apart from making her hair look slightly different, eyewitnesses have claimed. Pippa Durham, 33, who experiences the urge to become a completely different person every three months, genuinely thought she could overhaul her...
Autistic woman has baseline anxiety level of Hunger Games contestant
An autistic woman’s baseline anxiety level is identical to that of a contestant in The Hunger Games, according to sources. Krista Shure, 22, is plagued by constant fear and dread, much like a plucky literary heroine being forced to fight to the death in a...
