Devastating! Autistic woman eats last chicken strip without savouring the moment
An autistic woman has eaten her last chicken strip without realising it was the last chicken strip, according to sources. Becky Armitage, 30, was enjoying a meal of chicken strips and chips from her local Chicken Palace when she became distracted by a true crime...
Autistic woman watching period drama driven to madness by inauthentic doorknobs
An autistic woman watching a period drama has been driven to distraction after catching several glimpses of a modern doorknob, it has been reported. Pippa Durham, 38, was looking forward to a new six-part series billed as a bodice-ripping retelling of the Dissolution of the...
Autistic woman unable to start conversations discovers talent for bringing them to a screeching halt
An autistic woman who struggles to start conversations has discovered a talent for bringing them to an abrupt and uncomfortable end, sources have said. Paige Thomas, 44, never knows what to say when speaking to friends and family, but, once she finally works up the...
Autistic person successfully ignores bladder for another hour of scrolling
An autistic person has successfully managed to ignore their bladder so they can scroll pointlessly for one more hour, according to sources. Navya Randhawa, 40, desperately needed the bathroom approximately 30 minutes ago. Instead of relieving themselves, they have been continuously refreshing Instagram in the...
Autistic woman masks flawlessly as portrait in her attic grows increasingly haggard
An autistic woman is reportedly so good at masking she is frequently mistaken for a neurotypical – while the monstrous portrait in her attic withers and decays at an alarming rate. Mary Walker, 33, nods and smiles in all the right places, says yes to...
Workplace diversity initiative promotes just fully kissing autistic people on the mouth
A workplace diversity initiative aims to support autistic employees by giving them a massive snog, it has been reported. SMH, who optimise workflow solutions to maximise stakeholder value through data-driven KPIs, announced the new scheme to make autistic colleagues feel appreciated. Once per day, autistic...
AuDHD woman both literally and figuratively late to the party
An AuDHD woman is desperately trying to catch up on the last two decades of pop culture after arriving late to a fancy-dress party, eyewitnesses have claimed. Ffiona Maw, 39, became late after giving herself five minutes to do her hair and discovering that five...
Top employers of autistic people revealed as IT, retail and the X-Men
A recent survey has found that the top employers of autistic people are the IT and retail industries – closely followed by beloved superhero team the X-Men. Although the tech and retail sectors are known to employ many autistic people, the X-Men have never counted...
Autistic woman’s idea of self-care akin to that of depraved Roman emperor
An autistic woman’s idea of self care is virtually indistinguishable from that of a morally bankrupt Roman emperor, sources have claimed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 36, deals with the stresses of everyday life by plotting against family members (blocking her mum on WhatsApp), indulging in raucous bacchanals...
Autistic woman lands dream job as everybody’s unpaid educator
An autistic woman has finally landed her dream role as an unpaid educator for everyone around her, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 28, has always dreamed of wasting her precious time and energy explaining the modern world to everyone she meets. From family members...
