BREAKING: Eurgh, oh God, there’s a texture
There’s a Texture and eurgh oh God oh fuck it’s everywhere, according to you. You had decided to wash the dishes without gloves – because gloves are also a Texture – when your hand brushed against a bit of wet peanut butter. Now that the...
Autistic woman without defined aesthetic “basically worthless” says Internet
An autistic woman who is neither conventionally hot nor fashionable has been deemed worthless by social media, sources have said. Ffiona Maw, 25, enjoys posting unedited photos of her day-to-day life online, but has recently been informed by her followers that autistic women are not...
Missing! “Autistic sense of justice” nowhere to be found when it’s time to talk about race
A woman’s “autistic sense of justice” has been reported missing after it failed to appear when it was time to talk about racism in the autistic community, sources have said. Beth Hapworth, 26, uses her online platform to advocate for “all autistic people”, in the...
TV character’s autism metaphor getting increasingly abstract
The token autistic character on a TV show has explained neurodivergence using the most convoluted metaphor possible, according to reviewers. The latest episode of Spectra, a sitcom about a quirky autistic woman trying to fit in with her neurotypical flatmates, has been met with confusion...
Essential oils fail to cure child’s autism, succeed in making her smell like cat piss
A mother’s attempt to cure her child’s autism using essential oils has only resulted in making her smell as if a cat has urinated all over her, witnesses have claimed. Ellie Mulligan, seven, had just gotten ready for school when her mother smeared her with...
Autistic woman enjoying herself on date wonders what the catch is
An autistic woman having a wonderful time on a date has become increasingly suspicious after failing to detect anything wrong with it, according to reports. Beth Hapworth, 27, became wary of 26-year-old Noah Fields over the course of their dinner date after he revealed himself...
Autism assessment frogs the last thing autistics see before they die, scientists confirm
A groundbreaking study has reportedly discovered that the flying frogs from the ADOS assessment appear to autistic people before they die. The study found that the frogs from the book Tuesday, used in the standard autism assessment, appear to autistic people in their final moments....
Autistic woman trying to get out of work socials runs out of grandparents to kill off
An autistic woman has run out of grandparents to kill off as an excuse to get out of work social events, according to sources. Kelsey Dacey, 40, has managed to get out of white water rafting, rock climbing and other oddly Lara Croft-coded activities by...
Autism support group revealed to be front for underground D&D ring
A support group for autistic people has revealed itself to be nothing more than a front for a sickening underground Dungeons and Dragons ring, it has been reported. A local chapter of the ‘Little Buddies Network’, an initiative designed to bring autistic people together to...
Autistic woman just assumed everyone was consuming media critically
An autistic woman has made the foolish and illogical assumption that other people consume media critically instead of taking everything at face value, it has been claimed. Megan Aldrich, 33, was shocked to discover that, despite a long history of debunked headlines, Snopes-worthy urban legends...
