Neurotypicals mark arbitrary passage of time with more fucking fireworks
Neurotypicals have reportedly decided to celebrate the same thing happening in the same way again by standing outside in the cold and watching ten minutes of fireworks soundtracked by We are the Champions before heading back inside and moving on completely. Speaking from a rooftop...
“2026 will be my year” says autistic woman who told the same lie in 2024
An autistic woman who has claimed that 2026 will be “her year” reportedly said the same thing about 2025 and is living in total denial about how that turned out. Merve Öztürk, 30, was sure at the end of 2024 that the following year she’d...
Autistic man experiences ego death after catching whiff of aftershave gift set
An autistic man has undergone total ego death after opening a particularly pungent set of men’s toiletries gifted to him for Christmas, it has been reported. Lloyd Didcot, 47, made no secret of the fact that he could not cope with strong smells, but the...
Autistic woman keen to stress it has never been a wonderful life and never will be
An autistic woman being shown all the lives she has touched reportedly remains unconvinced that life is, has been or will ever be “wonderful”. 40-year-old Ima Onwugbenu, who had reportedly been feeling “like hot garbage”, was visited by an angel who showed her what the...
“Quiet” autistic cousin just conserving energy to destroy everyone at board games
A “quiet” autistic relative is just preparing to absolutely decimate their family at board games, it has been reported. Des Ackerman, 21, has been silently observing the Christmas festivities since they arrived at their grandparents’ house, leading relatives to comment that they seem especially reticent...
Christmas miracle! Autistic woman’s family falling-out might be for good this time
An autistic woman may, thankfully, never have to speak to her family again after an especially juicy festive falling-out, according to sources. A perfect storm of births, deaths and marriages has meant that 34-year-old Ellie Mulligan’s family has reached a critical mass of gay siblings,...
Red nose least of autistic reindeer’s worries
An autistic reindeer has far worse problems than his conspicuously red nose, it has been reported. Rudolph, who is several thousands of years old, sticks out like a sore thumb because of his huge shiny nose, but this reportedly pales in comparison to the pressures...
Dyspraxic woman somehow sustains third-degree burns while wrapping Christmas gifts
A dyspraxic woman has sustained multiple injuries just from wrapping her Christmas gifts, it has been revealed. Krista Shure, who has somehow made it to 33, reportedly attempted to make her gift wrapping look Pinterest-worthy after developing the creeping fear that her presents were entirely...
Deck the halls! Neighbours determined to have brighter, flashier autism than yours
Your neighbours have reportedly decided to engage in some serious one-upmanship this year by making their autism brighter and gaudier than yours. Talia and Lottie Fitzgerald, both 39, have spent the past three weeks decorating the exterior of their home with so much autism they...
Autistic woman fakes her own death to avoid receiving compliment
An autistic woman has faked her own death to escape an impeding compliment, it has been revealed. Deborah Whitehead, 40, had been braced to receive an unbearable level of praise after her partner hinted that he’d written her a heartfelt anniversary card. Believing the card...
