Autistic woman accidentally does At Home Eating in front of other people
An autistic woman has forgotten to do Socially Acceptable Public Eating while in company, according to eyewitnesses. Siobhan Moorton, 49, masks hard whenever she has to eat around other people, but was recently caught off guard at a work brunch when a plate of chicken...
AuDHD woman absolutely positively 100% fine with rejection, fuck you very much
An AuDHD woman is actually genuinely so good at handling rejection that it doesn’t even make her feel like her spine is being torn from her body, not even a little bit, it has been reported. Siobhan Moorton, 30, has reportedly completed therapy and therefore...
Dress code can’t confuse you if you just stay home, study finds
Confusing dress codes only cease to be confusing once you give up and decide not to go, according to recent research. Dr. Krista Shure aimed to find a way for autistic people to interpret any event dress code without royally cocking it up, but her...
Autism assessments outsourced to Sir Mix-a-Lot
Following recent headlines suggesting that a prominent backside may be a sign of neurodivergence, the world’s leading expert on prominent backsides has agreed to become an autism assessor, according to reports. Sir Mix-a-Lot, 62, one of the only celebrities not to have a Controversies section...
Boyfriend indistinguishable from fidget toy
An autistic woman’s boyfriend reportedly does everything a fidget spinner can – and everything it can’t. Ryan Wilkins, 33, allegedly has many excellent qualities or something, but most importantly he is a portable collection of pleasing surfaces and textures that are fun to play with,...
Autistic woman who “isn’t hungry” has a big storm coming
An autistic woman who claimed not to be hungry is about to receive the shock of her life, according to sources. Christine Smout, 37, has not eaten for hours, but, despite decades of experience, will reportedly not realise she needs to eat until the empty...
Neurotypicals mark arbitrary passage of time with more fucking fireworks
Neurotypicals have reportedly decided to celebrate the same thing happening in the same way again by standing outside in the cold and watching ten minutes of fireworks soundtracked by We are the Champions before heading back inside and moving on completely. Speaking from a rooftop...
“2026 will be my year” says autistic woman who told the same lie in 2024
An autistic woman who has claimed that 2026 will be “her year” reportedly said the same thing about 2025 and is living in total denial about how that turned out. Merve Öztürk, 30, was sure at the end of 2024 that the following year she’d...
Autistic man experiences ego death after catching whiff of aftershave gift set
An autistic man has undergone total ego death after opening a particularly pungent set of men’s toiletries gifted to him for Christmas, it has been reported. Lloyd Didcot, 47, made no secret of the fact that he could not cope with strong smells, but the...
Autistic woman keen to stress it has never been a wonderful life and never will be
An autistic woman being shown all the lives she has touched reportedly remains unconvinced that life is, has been or will ever be “wonderful”. 40-year-old Ima Onwugbenu, who had reportedly been feeling “like hot garbage”, was visited by an angel who showed her what the...
