Boyfriend chewing again
An autistic woman’s boyfriend is chewing very, very loudly, sources have confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 29, has been shooting murderous glares at her boyfriend of two years, Gavin Monks, 28, ever since he opened that bag of tortilla chips. She said: “If I took a pillow...
Autistic woman cuts out middle man by gaslighting herself
An autistic woman who is constantly being gaslit has decided to streamline things by simply making herself doubt her own sanity, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 41, who has spent the last four decades being told by family, colleagues and boyfriends that she’s imagining things,...
Cat at house party finds autistic person to hang with
A cat experiencing anxiety at a house party is said to have been “relieved” after finding an autistic human to play with. Boo, seven, who prefers one-on-one social interactions, dislikes loud noises and abstains from drinking alcohol, told reporters he had been “wracked with nerves”...
“Bring back whatshername!” says woman who totally watches Love Island, honest
An autistic woman who totally watches Love Island, honest, has attempted to join in the morning chat in the office, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 29, who works as an in-house accountant for an office supplies company, is said to “absolutely love all the...
Autistic woman sure this is her fault somehow
An autistic woman is pretty sure she’s somehow to blame for this thing that seemingly has nothing to do with her, it has been rumoured. Krista Shure, 28, was heard by sources apologising for the someone else bumping into her, the weather turning and basically...
Poly woman really not trying to fuck you
An autistic woman who just told you she’s polyamorous has absolutely no interest in banging you, so chill the fuck out, sources have revealed. Sarah Harrow, 27, who currently has two romantic partners and the busiest effing iPhone calendar you’ve ever seen, not only doesn’t...
Autistics ready to garrotte next person who says “lovely weather we’re having”
Autistic people everywhere are ready to punish the next person who comments on how great the horrible sunshine is by strangling them with electrical cord, it has been rumoured. Autistic people said: “The sun is so bright – I can’t leave the house without feeling...
Savant! Woman’s autistic superpower is reciting entirety of 1998’s The Parent Trap
A Manchester woman has wowed onlookers by revealing that her autistic superpower is the ability to recite the entirety of Lindsay Lohan’s 1998 film, The Parent Trap, complete with hammy accents and elaborate secret handshake, it has been reported. Krista Shure, 35, was delivering a...
Whoops! Autistic woman subconsciously plagiarised entire personality
An autistic woman has woken up at 2am having suddenly realised why her whole deal feels horribly familiar, reports have indicated. Sarah Harrow, 24, who had begun to notice a strange sense of unease whenever she said or did things, initially thought she was experiencing...
Weird! Autistic woman’s pattern spotting fails to detect shit boyfriend
An autistic woman who can predict complex sociological behaviours based on historical patterns is mysteriously unable to turn this ability on her boyfriend. Paige Thomas, 28, can analyse large amounts of data to perfectly predict wars, elections and winners of Strictly. Yet despite boyfriend Dexter...
