Period surprises autistic woman for 167th time in a row
The world’s most regular period has maliciously snuck up on an autistic woman with absolutely no warning for the 167th month in a row, sources have claimed. Sabeen Bhatt, 26, has been feeling bloated, cranky and inexplicably miserable over the course of the last week,...
Mirror wishes it could give you tips on facial expressions
After living unobtrusively in your hallway for the past six years, your mirror has been getting more and more furious at your inability to do anything right with your stupid face. Today, the mirror finally cracked and decided to stage an intervention, it has been...
New 100m record set by autistic woman trying to get away from scented candles
An autistic woman with no prior athletics training has successfully broken the 100m World Record trying to get away from the smell of Wanky Candles, eyewitnesses report. Chi-Young Lee, 21, was completing a weekly shop at the local supermarket when her usual route through the...
Autistic woman deep in rehearsals for non-standard food order
An autistic woman is preparing for the performance of a lifetime as “a customer who would like something slightly different from the menu”. Pippa Durham, 31, visits her local cafe every Saturday for a tea and an almond croissant. She first fancied a cappuccino nearly...
Seasonal life hack! Give sweets to strangers and they fuck off
The secret to deterring trick-or-treaters is simple, delicious bribery, one autistic scientist has claimed. For the last four years, Dr. Freya Emerson has been researching the prevention and treatment of unwanted visitors. She explained: “My home is my sanctuary. I don’t even let my best...
