Recreate YOUR childhood trauma with new Autistic Barbie!
Announcing the new and improved Autistic Barbie from Mattel! With their fixed smiles, awkward limbs and glazed expressions, autistic women everywhere are reportedly going to love playing with this new toy, perfect for evoking their most beloved painful memories. Why not recreate all your least...
Comfortable silence reaches sixth glorious hour
Two autistic friends have been sitting on the same sofa together all afternoon without needing to interact with each other in any way, sources have reported. Their comfortable, shared silence has just reached its sixth glorious hour. Talia Cohen, 20, is currently playing a puzzle...
Autistic man sets reminder to nod during friend’s lengthy monologue
An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort...
Autistic child apparently the only one around here concerned about stranger getting into their house
An otherwise sensible set of parents are reportedly unconcerned about the prospect of a stranger breaking into the house, as long as it’s on December 24th. Despite having taught their son the many rules surrounding the dangers of the world including “always wait for the...
Coded message? Relative buys gifts for the person she wishes you were
Your auntie Deborah has, once again, bought you a present featuring all the overly aggressive markers of femininity, despite the fact she’s met you on several occasions and – crucially – has eyes. You, 26, have never shown any interest in personal grooming, and approach...
What constitutes “naughty”? Autistic child demands the release of Santa’s ethical guidelines
An autistic child is suspicious after the introduction of yet another reward-and-punishment system based on his compliance, sources have reported. In a statement received by his parents, Kit McGodden, four, says that he is going to need a little more evidence before he signs up...
Talented! Autistic woman forgets everything about her partner just in time for gift-buying season
An autistic woman who has adored her partner for the best part of the last decade is tragically unable to convey her affection through the medium of gifts, sources have reported. Miya Wilkes, 31, can still recite the 15-digit code on the library card that...
Autistic travel writer’s plans scrapped as outside world declared “awful”
An autistic travel writer has reportedly scrapped her plans to explore the world after unilaterally declaring the outside to be “just awful”. Emma Bernard, 32, sought adventure in the big wide world in an attempt to achieve her lifelong ambition of joining the fictional organisation...
Period surprises autistic woman for 167th time in a row
The world’s most regular period has maliciously snuck up on an autistic woman with absolutely no warning for the 167th month in a row, sources have claimed. Sabeen Bhatt, 26, has been feeling bloated, cranky and inexplicably miserable over the course of the last week,...
Mirror wishes it could give you tips on facial expressions
After living unobtrusively in your hallway for the past six years, your mirror has been getting more and more furious at your inability to do anything right with your stupid face. Today, the mirror finally cracked and decided to stage an intervention, it has been...
