Children with autism encouraged to “Hunger Games it out” for school support
The Government has announced a bold, innovative and low-key evil approach to SEND funding for school students, the Education Secretary revealed yesterday. As part of measures to protect the nation’s most valuable resource – its money – minister Karen Hoyland, 42, announced the construction of...
Autistic woman’s flirting “visible from space” confirms NASA
Astronauts working on the International Space Station were dazzled by a sudden burst of flirting so bright that it briefly illuminated most of Shropshire, NASA has reported. The rare phenomenon was spotted by astronaut Paige Thomas, 38, who initially thought the disturbance in the atmosphere...
Autistic woman optimistically tries to coin phrase “indoorsy person”
An autistic woman who’s weary of listening to her colleagues’ exhausting-sounding weekends has optimistically tried to coin the phrase ‘indoorsy person’, sources have said. Simran Khalsa, 33, whose idea of an exciting weekend involves looking out of a different pane of her living room window,...
Autistic couple reluctantly buys third plate to accommodate house guest
An autistic couple who agreed to put their friend up for the night have belatedly realised to their dismay that they will need to buy a third plate, eyewitnesses have revealed. Ffiona Maw, 30, and Dexter Livingstone, 28, were happy to give their friend a...
Autistic man counts ceiling tiles just in case he’s questioned about it later
An autistic man assumed to be simply avoiding eye contact reveals that he was actually counting the ceiling tiles in case it comes up in conversation. Robert Noot, 22, who habitually memorises the number of objects in a room, stated that his dream is to...
Recreate YOUR childhood trauma with new Autistic Barbie!
Announcing the new and improved Autistic Barbie from Mattel! With their fixed smiles, awkward limbs and glazed expressions, autistic women everywhere are reportedly going to love playing with this new toy, perfect for evoking their most beloved painful memories. Why not recreate all your least...
Comfortable silence reaches sixth glorious hour
Two autistic friends have been sitting on the same sofa together all afternoon without needing to interact with each other in any way, sources have reported. Their comfortable, shared silence has just reached its sixth glorious hour. Talia Cohen, 20, is currently playing a puzzle...
Autistic man sets reminder to nod during friend’s lengthy monologue
An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort...
Autistic child apparently the only one around here concerned about stranger getting into their house
An otherwise sensible set of parents are reportedly unconcerned about the prospect of a stranger breaking into the house, as long as it’s on December 24th. Despite having taught their son the many rules surrounding the dangers of the world including “always wait for the...
Coded message? Relative buys gifts for the person she wishes you were
Your auntie Deborah has, once again, bought you a present featuring all the overly aggressive markers of femininity, despite the fact she’s met you on several occasions and – crucially – has eyes. You, 26, have never shown any interest in personal grooming, and approach...
