Autistic woman crushed by guilt for binning old Christmas decorations
An autistic woman has been left “emotionally devastated” by having to throw away some old Christmas decorations, sources have said. Emma Bernard, 32, was seen holding a cardboard box full of grotty tinsel and scratched baubles, whispering apologies like it was a bag of kittens...
Christmas cracker dilemma: is the potential new fidget object worth the bang?
Christmas is a sensory hellscape at the best of times; visiting family and drinking their weird tap water that Just Doesn’t Taste Right, scratchybad festive jumpers that make you feel like you’re being squeezed to death by a large, hairy snake, and being expected to...
Visit of beloved friend puts autistic man in three-day fight-or-flight spiral
An autistic man has been sent into an adrenaline-filled three-day fight-or-flight spiral in advance of seeing a beloved friend he has known for most of his life, sources have revealed. Noah Michaels, 43, has known his friend Ethan Stern, 44, since childhood, where they attended...
Study finds touch “tolerable” under highly specific conditions
Being touched can, in very specific circumstances and with sufficient levels of mitigating factors, be a bearable activity between consenting adults, a groundbreaking new study has revealed. The team of autistic researchers at the Institute for Tolerable Contact conducting the study, reportedly undertook various experiments...
New cutlery fully ruins autistic man’s life
An autistic man’s entire life has been turned upside down thanks to the introduction of a new set of cutlery, sources have claimed. The stainless steel interlopers, which are new and were absolutely unasked for, were introduced to 27-year-old Ryan Wilkins’ household last Friday, and...
Solicitous question leads to existential dread
A perfectly innocent question has led to the complete unravelling of an autistic man’s sense of self, it has been claimed. Anand Trivedi, 32, was reportedly minding his own business, sitting quietly and contemplating unresolved maritime mysteries, when he was cruelly dragged from his favourite...
Autistic man neglects to plan conversation in advance, experiences literal Christian hell
An autistic man who routinely plans his conversations well in advance decided to ditch the habit of a lifetime “to see what it was like”, landing him in a Biblical underworld of Christian hell, sources have revealed. Lloyd Didcot, 32, took the unusual step to...
Chilling! This autistic person’s Halloween costume is neurotypical man
An autistic man has raised the terror stakes this Halloween with a costume that friends have described as “genuinely horrifying”. Gavin Monks, 26, reportedly eschewed traditional Halloween fancy-dress options in favour of a costume he claimed would be “sure to strike fear and dread into...
Wes Streeting pledges to tackle mental health crisis with “a net and a gun”
Speaking at a press conference earlier today, the health secretary Wes Streeting announced his radical new plan to reduce government spending. Streeting, described by late journalist Dawn Foster as a “lickspittle Tory cunt”, took to the podium wearing a tweed suit, deerstalker, and carrying an...
