Tragic! New Year’s Eve dress that makes you look the hottest hurts the most
An autistic woman has been left “distraught” after discovering that a New Year’s outfit that makes her look as “fit as fuck” absolutely kills, according to sources. Paige Thomas, 26, from Fazakerley, had optimistically ordered the sequinned wrap mini-dress in the Boxing Day sales –...
Cartoon character? Autistic woman just wears the one outfit
Despite owning an entire wardrobe full of clothes, an autistic woman continues to opt for the same outfit daily – for reasons that continue to remain a mystery. Krista Shure, 31, from Cheshire, picks her favourite pair of skinny jeans and white cotton T-shirt every...
Crisis report! Family just won’t leave
In a recent alarming report, even though Christmas is over, your extended family is refusing to depart the premises. Despite autistic people supposedly having a reputation for not cottoning on to social cues, it’s your neurotypical Aunt Alma currently missing multiple hints that her presence...
Non-autistics celebrate most wonderful time of year with worst pudding imaginable
Neurotypicals have once more opted to celebrate a cherished day in the winter calendar with a dessert option unanimously thought to be revolting, it has been announced. For reasons nobody can make sense of, a disgusting dense sphere made of dried fruit and candied peel...
Autistic person can’t wrap for shit
Despite their best efforts, an autistic person has concluded they can’t wrap for shit, it has been announced. Freya Emerson, 31, from Atherton, has spent the last five-and-a-half hours despairing on the bedroom carpet while trying to wrap a giant Lindt ball – with minimal...
Neurotypicals to embrace rigid routines known as “traditions”
Non-autistic people worldwide are due to collectively engage in a series of worrying rituals known as “Christmas traditions”, according to reports. Despite your family’s apparent concern about how much you love Legend of Zelda, it’s about to be socially acceptable to fixate on nothing but...
That’s the Jingle Bell Rock! Autistic woman just trying to regulate
In the spirit of Christmas, an autistic woman has commenced her favourite form of stimming – known as “the jingle bell rock”. Natasha Weaving, 29, has been moving her body back and forth in a repetitive, self-soothing motion since her extended family arrived 12 hours...
Adorable! Autistic woman suggests serial-killer-inspired baby name
An autistic woman at a baby shower has accidentally suggested a name inspired by a serial killer, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 29, from Flint, claims she was “just trying to think outside the box” for former school friend Becky’s future son – and...
Autistic woman finally perfects answering name call on class register
An autistic woman has finally nailed the art of answering the teacher calling her name on the morning register – despite having left school eight decades ago. Miya Wilkes, 96, from Tuebrook, insists that delivering a simple “here, Miss” in front of a class of...
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
