Autistic woman agonising over croissant pun or painfully sincere Valentine’s card
An autistic woman is reportedly debating between a seriously unfunny joke or an earnestly heartfelt Valentine’s Day card, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 32, from Elton, has spent three hours and 42 minutes despairing in the stationery aisle of her local Tesco Express, due...
Autistic chef adds salt and pepper to instant noodles
An aspiring autistic chef has attained culinary perfection by grinding a little salt and pepper on a packet of mild-curry-flavoured instant noodles, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 26, from Cheadle, who only recently discovered her talent for serving herself four-minute meals for one, is now...
Autistic girl speaks out on dramatic sleepover exit: “I just liked my own bed”
An autistic woman has confessed to leaving a sleepover in 2007 due to preferring to sleep in her own bed, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, from Liverpool, who was 12 at the time, said: “I pretended that my parents were worried. In actual fact, I’d...
Sultry! Seductive scent makes autistic woman retch like cat
A fragrance described as “sultry” and “seductive” has brought an autistic woman close to vomiting profusely, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 31, from Allerton, is reportedly still recovering from tentatively spraying herself on the wrist with the sample fragrance during a visit to John...
Milda Spergers! Wizard author announces first autistic character
A well-known British children’s fantasy author has confirmed that she’s written her first ever autistic character, according to sources. Jean Sloping, 59 – known for her Henry Twiddle book series set in a magical wizard academy – revealed the addition of a young witch student...
“What are you thinking?” therapist asks AuDHD woman thinking about viral reel
An autistic woman with ADHD who paused for a prolonged period during a therapy session was actually recalling a recent Instagram reel, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 25, has been attending regular weekly appointments with an experienced counsellor – but worries when her mind...
Woman with “severely autistic” nephew fails to realise she’s tragically neurotypical
A woman who describes her autistic nephew as “severely autistic” is yet to recognise the true tragedy of her neurotypical brain, it has been reported. Deborah Whitehead, 58, from Alvanley, laments the imagined tragedy of an autistic man’s life – despite hers being blighted by...
Autistic woman aces job interview by mirroring worst person they know
An autistic woman struggling to find work has finally impressed an interview panel after mimicking the behaviour of the most insufferable human being they’ve ever met, sources have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Dingle, had a feeling that her usual interview strategy of “just being...
Autistic women chameleons if chameleons couldn’t blend in for shit, experts admit
Despite autistic women being commonly compared to the colour-changing reptile, most of them can’t actually socially camouflage to save their lives, researchers have admitted. “Autistic women are often likened to chameleons,” autism expert Dr. Karen Hoyland explained: “That is, if a chameleon got into a...
I’m a Faithful, pleads Traitors contestant just trying to hide her autism
A contestant appearing on a series of The Traitors has aroused suspicion among her fellow contestants whilst trying to conceal her autism, according to reports. Niamh Callaghan, 29, from Doncaster, seems terrified of opening her mouth for nefarious reasons – when she’s actually trying...
