New Year’s resolution! Autistic person proposes Meet-Free Mondays
An autistic person has confirmed their New Year’s resolution is adopting “Meet-Free Mondays”, according to reports. Jay Chester, 34, from Preston, said: “I’ve gave up eating animals ages ago. This is about me enjoying my Richmond meat-free sausages in a solitary space where nobody else...
Fucked it! Autistic woman hurls 2025 diary into volcano after making minor error on first page
An autistic woman has insisted she has “absolutely fucked it” after making a slight spelling mistake on the first page of her 2025 diary, sources have confirmed. Natasha Weaving, 34, from Rhyl, had just written down a resolution to be more “environmentally friendly” in the...
Tragic! New Year’s Eve dress that makes you look the hottest hurts the most
An autistic woman has been left “distraught” after discovering that a New Year’s outfit that makes her look as “fit as fuck” absolutely kills, according to sources. Paige Thomas, 26, from Fazakerley, had optimistically ordered the sequinned wrap mini-dress in the Boxing Day sales –...
Cartoon character? Autistic woman just wears the one outfit
Despite owning an entire wardrobe full of clothes, an autistic woman continues to opt for the same outfit daily – for reasons that continue to remain a mystery. Krista Shure, 31, from Cheshire, picks her favourite pair of skinny jeans and white cotton T-shirt every...
Crisis report! Family just won’t leave
In a recent alarming report, even though Christmas is over, your extended family is refusing to depart the premises. Despite autistic people supposedly having a reputation for not cottoning on to social cues, it’s your neurotypical Aunt Alma currently missing multiple hints that her presence...
Non-autistics celebrate most wonderful time of year with worst pudding imaginable
Neurotypicals have once more opted to celebrate a cherished day in the winter calendar with a dessert option unanimously thought to be revolting, it has been announced. For reasons nobody can make sense of, a disgusting dense sphere made of dried fruit and candied peel...
Autistic person can’t wrap for shit
Despite their best efforts, an autistic person has concluded they can’t wrap for shit, it has been announced. Freya Emerson, 31, from Atherton, has spent the last five-and-a-half hours despairing on the bedroom carpet while trying to wrap a giant Lindt ball – with minimal...
Neurotypicals to embrace rigid routines known as “traditions”
Non-autistic people worldwide are due to collectively engage in a series of worrying rituals known as “Christmas traditions”, according to reports. Despite your family’s apparent concern about how much you love Legend of Zelda, it’s about to be socially acceptable to fixate on nothing but...
That’s the Jingle Bell Rock! Autistic woman just trying to regulate
In the spirit of Christmas, an autistic woman has commenced her favourite form of stimming – known as “the jingle bell rock”. Natasha Weaving, 29, has been moving her body back and forth in a repetitive, self-soothing motion since her extended family arrived 12 hours...
Adorable! Autistic woman suggests serial-killer-inspired baby name
An autistic woman at a baby shower has accidentally suggested a name inspired by a serial killer, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 29, from Flint, claims she was “just trying to think outside the box” for former school friend Becky’s future son – and...
