Great news! Childhood bully births really ugly baby
An autistic woman is reportedly overjoyed that her high school nemesis has birthed a satisfyingly ugly baby. Freya Emerson, 28, was stalking the Facebook page of former classmate Libby Buckingham, 29, when she discovered the image of the frightening spud-like creature. “She used to make...
Productive! Autistic woman spends entire work day perfecting email sign-off
An autistic woman has spent the best part of six-and-a-half hours drafting a work email – and is reportedly still at it, sources have claimed. Beth Hapworth, 29, from Barnsley, has concluded the way to appear “normal” in all written exchanges is by microanalysing every...
Artifical unintelligence? Autistic woman pretends to be less smart
An autistic woman has revealed the key to building social relationships is pretending she doesn’t know stuff, according to reports. Siobhan Moorton, 37, from Gawsworth, has honed the art of feigning total ignorance about specialist subjects she’s spent years learning about – in an attempt...
Wow! Autistic woman so socially adept she doesn’t even need small talk
An autistic woman has proven to be that gifted at socialising that she goes straight in for the overshare, according to reports. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Cheadle, has insisted that the lack of small talk isn’t due to a deficiency in her social skillset – but...
Festive spirit! Autistic woman begins preparing office Christmas party excuses
An autistic woman is already crafting her needlessly elaborate excuse for why she can’t attend her office Christmas do, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 33, from Slough, could absolutely attend the annual work Christmas buffet if she wanted to – but would simply prefer...
Autistic woman cast as villain in family drama
An autistic woman has expressed gratitude for “the role of a lifetime” having been cast as the main antagonist in her lifelong family drama, sources have revealed. Growing up, Paige Thomas, 31, from Dewsbury, was typecast as “spoiled” and “absolutely impossible to please” – despite...
I wasn’t bullied, says woman just playfully ostracised at school
An autistic woman who was regularly targeted by her entire class remains certain she wasn’t bullied in primary school, it has been confirmed. Paige Thomas, 29, from Preston, said: “Those years evoke such precious memories! Girls confronting me in the toilets, chasing me down corridors...
Adorable! Neurotypicals open autism petting zoo
A neurotypical woman has opened Britain’s first autism petting zoo, reports have confirmed. “For many people, a petting zoo is their first opportunity to meet a real autistic,” explained zoo founder Deborah Whitehead, 54. “Apart from your weird colleague, it’s unlikely you’ll encounter one in...
Woman who didn’t go to war still fucking hates fireworks
An autistic woman is opposed to letting off local fireworks for entirely selfless reasons, reports have indicated. Niamh McGodden, 25, from Allerton, has suddenly become invested in the welfare of ex-serving members of the military – and not just because she finds the sound of...
Non-autistic woman enjoys special interest to despairingly normal levels
An autistic woman has found a non-autistic colleague’s lack of interest in something they claimed to enjoy immensely troubling, sources have confirmed. When Emma Bernard, 31, learned her co-worker Miya Wilkes, 34, liked British sitcom The Royle Family, she couldn’t wait to re-enact every...
