An autistic woman is reportedly “losing her fucking mind” due to being unable to tell anyone how competently she’s keeping a secret, it has been rumoured.
Paige Thomas, 40, who found out the freakiest shit about a friend’s husband, Jack Harrington, 45, has been sworn to secrecy and has managed a miraculous two months without breaking.
“I’m being a fucking saint but nobody knows I’m doing it,” explained Thomas. “What’s the point of that?”
“Yeah yeah, confidentiality, being there for a mate, blah blah blah,” she continued. “But seriously, if you knew what that sicko gets up to, you’d give me a fucking medal.”
“I can’t say anything – don’t try to guess. It involves raccoons. I’ve already said too much.”
“If I only had a partner, relationship privileges would apply and I’d be able to tell someone,” she added. “But I’m happily single. Stupid independence.”
Thomas was last seen reluctantly creating a profile on Tinder.
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