The autistic monster that lives under your bed is more than happy staying exactly where it is, according to reports.

Gornak the Toecruncher, 15,000, made the statement yesterday, after coming to the realisation that it felt far happier staying under your bed than it has ever felt prowling around your house looking for toes to eat.

Gornak said: “It’s taken a lot of soul searching but I think this is the right choice for me. It’s nice and cosy under here, where the big light never shines. A couple of your old books and toys have fallen down, so there’s plenty to keep me entertained, AND I get to lie on the floor as much as I like. Plus, sometimes the cat comes to visit, so I get a go on him as well. Compared with having to lurch around in the shadows and eat toes, it really is a no-brainer.”

“I’m so pleased for it,” said Gornak’s friend and long-time collaborator, Your Sleep Paralysis Demon. “I don’t think it was ever really cut out for a life of monstering. Now, when I’m sitting on your chest at 3am and you’re struggling to scream, I can hear it cheerfully humming to itself under there. I couldn’t be happier.”

It has also been reported that The Nightmare That Lives In Your Wardrobe has made a lovely little nest out of your jumpers, and has no plans to come out any time soon.

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