A newly published survey has found that nearly anything can make someone an autism expert, according to the totally unbiased people behind it.
The survey, conducted specifically by people who have doctorates in anything other than autism, found that the majority of modern “autism experts” have no qualifications to say the things they say other than a thick dowel lodged so deep into their rectums they can only sleep standing up.
Dr. Graeme Hart, the head of the study who still spells autism as “The Devel’s Wastinge Disese”, said: “We have since developed a modern-day criteria for autism expertise. To be an expert, you categorically cannot have autism; being touched by autism in any way means you are ‘biased’ and should not be allowed to do any science. In science, ‘bias’, of course, means you have had Experiences.”
Hart added: “Like my fellow autism experts, I am completely free of bias. I had an Enid Blyton childhood, think that tattoos are a moral failing, and believe that as a white British man that I have the authority to decide whether a curry house is ‘authentic’ or not. I’m a total square, which means this is my only opportunity to be special.”
“If you studied autism before the 70s, that’s fine, because you came up into that academic culture that was like: ‘Man, we can’t let World War 2 happen again, but fuck if I don’t still hate gay people.’ Ethical approval back then was a limp shrug and a ‘Whatever, just don’t kill them’. Now you have all this red tape about being responsible and equitable, you can’t pull academic conspiracy theories out of your ass and call them hypotheses. Unless you want someone to offer you a Channel 4 documentary.”
“The key to being an autism expert is to speak and speak and speak. Listening is weakness. Listening implies that you think other people might have a point. But they don’t. Because you’re a mouthpiece for a dark and sinister agenda – I mean, expert.”
Based on an idea by Fergus Murray, whose work can be found at oolong.co.uk.
Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky, Threads and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon. We also now have merch! Check out your favourite headlines in comfy wearable form over on Teemill.
Our audio sitcom by and for autistic people, It’s a Superpower?? is out weekly wherever you get podcasts! Binge the whole season early and ad-free on Patreon.
You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy, or listen to episode three in audio form – and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.
We also now have merch! Check out your favourite headlines in comfy wearable form over on Teemill.
