An autistic woman has begged the writers of her unfolding life story to stop resorting to bombshells and unexpected tragedies.

Ima Onwugbenu, 40, says that any ordinary person would not be able to cope with the extreme ups and downs her writers’ room have been subjecting her to, and has asked them to take it easy on her if only to retain some air of believability for the viewers.

Onwugbenu said: “My all-consuming Season 39 romance ended terribly, and now I’m forking out a grand on vet bills because my dog decided to swallow half the sock drawer while my back was turned. Can we just… slow our roll? This isn’t realistic pacing, surely.”

“If this is some kind of sitcom, well, I’m not laughing.”

“No, Ima, this is a soap,” said writer Aidan Michaels, 36. “Guess who’s coming back into your life after twenty years?”

Yuichi Suzuki, 42, Onwugbenu’s hot, emotionally unavailable former flame, said: “Hey, Ima. You thought I was dead, didn’t you?”

“…No?” replied Onwugbenu.

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