Your next-door neighbour has reportedly confirmed that they were done with the leafblower ages ago and are now just running it as an exercise in free will.

Kit McGodden, 34, who has never given you any other reason to suspect they weren’t a rational human being, experiences the urge to switch their leafblower on every Thursday morning and… blow leaves around, or whatever the hell people do with leafblowers.

McGodden said: “It doesn’t actually take me long to finish. I’m just pretending the grass is a giant’s hair and I’m blowdrying it.”

“This only takes 30 minutes tops in summer. After that, I’m just killing time until Hollyoaks comes on.”

“I think it’s great that you’ve started working from home more. Wouldn’t want you to miss Leafblowing Day!”

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