An autistic woman has faked her own death to escape an impeding compliment, it has been revealed.
Deborah Whitehead, 40, had been braced to receive an unbearable level of praise after her partner hinted that he’d written her a heartfelt anniversary card. Believing the card would likely contain at least one compliment, Whitehead panicked and staged a fatal boating accident, which she maintains is a perfectly proportionate reaction.
Speaking from the garden shed where she was planning to hide indefinitely, Whitehead said: “I can’t take it anymore. Just knowing that someone will say something nice about me makes me break out in hives. Knowing that someone’s… argh… perceived me.”
“Making matters worse, Eddie knows me really well, so the things he’ll say will probably be absolutely, irrefutably true. I can’t just brush them off. The bastard’s onto me.”
Whitehead finally emerged from the shed after realising there would probably be even more effusive praise given at her funeral. She has since resolved never to die.
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